Reluctance/anticipation
June 16, 2001 Noonish

I have days where I am very reflective. These days are often very emotional and nostalgic also. On such days I tend to create the most aesthetically pleasing, or affecting, environment possible. Then I choose a focus, and devote myself to it. Sometimes my focus is happy, and sometimes it is sad. (I wonder, do all people try to make themselves feel sad on occasion? Or is this something that I alone do? Let me know, if you will.)

Today is one of those days. It is hot, so it easy for me to want to hibernate on my own. So, for the first 2 hours that I was awake, I sat around in the most comfortable PJ pants that I have ever had the pleasure of owning (Go T.J. Maxx!), and a tanktop, with my hair pulled off of my neck sloppily. Then I spent a while looking at some stuff about Northeastern. Of course, I managed to completely frighten myself since, heaven only knows if I will make it college. Actually no, I don't believe that that's true. I don't believe that God has this master plan for us when we're born, and he just sits back and watches, laughing at the fact that we think we have free will. I believe we have choices, and that we have control over our lives. And that's kind of what scares me. How am I to know what I am capable of? I assume that I will be able to do fine, because I've never not been able to, but how do I know that my entire high school education wasn't bunk?

So, with this new-found feeling of fear added to the fact that I reeeally don't want to go to work today, I am on the fast track to emotional over-stimulation. I'm hungry too, but I do not have the motivation to go upstairs where it is about 20 degrees hotter than down here in my nice cool haven. Have I mentioned that I don't want to go to work?

And I want people to e-mail me. Yes, this is a common desire of mine. I love long emotional letters, and e-mails especially because they are so easily responded to, and quickly delivered. And besides, I type far more freely than I write.

Another thing I love is having something to look forward to. When I was in school, I would look forward to going that day if I had even the slightest thing to look forward to. For example, no matter how badly I thought I did on a test, getting it back the next class was something to look forward to. That little rush would give me something to make going to school okay. Right now I'm excited because I have a whole week to look forward to. I have something to do every day next week, yet I'm not so busy that I don't have time to add anything else. It's a nice little set-up really.