Emotionally fucked
July 24 barely

Why do I always give myself to the people who deserve it the least? I have so many friends, and so many people in my life that I care about who care about me, and yet, I throw myself at the least deserving of them all.

Case in point, I am STILL mad at myself for giving myself to Noah. My hostilities towards him exist on several levels. Firstly, there is the fact that he completely FUCKED with me, of course. But there is also just the him-ness that constantly interfered with me. I could never tell if he was serious, or whether he was feeding me a line. I could never tell if anything he said was going to be true. When he promised me something, I could never EVER count on it, or him, to come through. When he wasn't around, he was awful. He was a terrible boyfriend. I was like one of those stupid sitcom girls dating the bastard, but never seeing it for herself.

Well, it appears that once again, my emotions have decided to swoop in and get the better of me. I know that it's not my fault, and I can't help it. But I also know that I am too fucking smart for this, and that I deserve so much more. There's no hope of winning here. I can't do anything. No matter what happens, I feel bad afterwards. So, shouldn't I be doing something to get out of this situation? Shouldn't I be commanding myself to stop at least? The warnings are all there for me, spelled out clearly. Today was good for me...but damnit, I wasn't even given an opportunity to do anything about it. And if I had been, I wouldn't have done anything. Okay, I'm going to stop now. I'm being too general. If I'm going to write like this, then what the fuck's the point?