4 a.m.
July 30 4:15 a.m.

So, I haven't been to bed yet. My evening was good. Not necessarily the most fun I've had in a long time, but it was good. After a crappy day of fighting with people, I came home from work and talked to Amanda on the phone. She's happy. And because of that, I was happy. The army is such an amazing thing for her. I'm very very proud of her.

Then I went over to Linda's. She was trying to have some sort of party thing, but it wasn't very party-like, because as Kara pointed out, apparently Sunday is not the night to be partying. Throughout the evening, there were a total of 6 of us. Oh well, hehe. It was ok. Jenn and Linda fought. It was physical fighting, with no anger involved, and it was very amusing. Then, Andrew and Linda tried their first sips of vodka, hated it, and went upstairs to invade Linda's parent's sex toy drawer. Not really my thing. Linda wanted to watch a porno, but people were not really complying with that. I wasn't there at the time the decision was made.

After everyone else left, I bet you can guess what happened with me and Linda. But it was significant to me this time, because it showed my ability to say no. I could have stopped it. I could have just said, nah, not tonight, or for that matter, not ever. This time it was my choice. I decided, you know, what the hell? But it wasn't anything to me. Not even enjoyable. I didn't get out of it because it was all about her. And that was okay. But from now on, I know that.

Shit, my Dad just got up. Oh, nevermind, my Mom. Just came in to grill me about what I've been doing all night.

Anyway, then we layed in her parent's wonderful comfy bed and talked about shit. And it was good. It was a meaningful night. It allowed me to come to some emotional conclusions about our relationship, my feelings, and everything in general.

And now I feel like I need to talk to someone. I need to have a good reaffirming conversation with someone else, to see what I'm made of, to see what they're made of, and to be intimate. Because no matter how good tonight was, I don't feel all warm and fuzzy. And I wish it wasn't 4 a.m. because there's no prayer of being able to talk to anyone for a while.

And I CAN NOT WAIT to go to college. Man, I want to get away right now.

Tomorrow, I mean today, oops, is my day off. I'll sleep through most of it, and then I'll get up and do something meaningless, most likely. If you have any desire to see me though, call me in that afternoon, or e-mail me (InfiniteAaah@yahoo.com or AngelKissEW@cs.com or EEW921@hotmail.com) in the morning and I'll get it as soon as I get up....we all know what an internet junkie I am.

We also know that I'm not going to hear from anyone, because well...shit like that never seems to work out. And I doubt anyone reads regularly enough. And if they do, they need so be signing my guestbook more! Yeah...so I want to be heard, and maybe this is a sorry excuse for a real diary, but right now, that's what I need: affirmation.