Camp thoughts
August 11, 2001 Nine at night

This is the entry I wrote and saved on my computer while I was in Bethel Thurs and Fri. It was just ongoing, and never ends, never goes anywhere. If you can get through this, kudos to you! It's just a taste of how my mind works, and how random I can be when I allow myself to put away the analness for a while. (I've also added some commentary and explanation where needed, in parentheses)

I could make you happy you know, if you weren’t already. I could do a lot of things, and I do. (From "Untouchable Face" by Ani, a song I was listening to. When I write, I tend to copy song lyrics as they run through my head)

NU suggests a 14” monitor. Oh well. I wonder what Kristen Giambusso is like. Is she rich? Is she nice? Open-minded? Smart? Does she party…probably, yes. (college babble- very normal)

So, I don’t like swimming at night alone with no lights.

Boy am I a wuss.

I see Orion and say nothing. The only thing I can think of to say is Fuck you. (Ani again)

I called her today to ask her to come with me. Moment of weakness? Well, she said no. It upset me. (Linda, and my ongoing attempt to detach myself)

Then I went to the café to get Chai. He wasn’t even there! I just wanted chai. But I walked up to the counter and asked for chai, after standing there for a few minutes deciding that yes, they really did have it. The guy at the counter had stared at me, then when I placed my order, he told me that they were closed. Couldn’t he have said that to begin with? Come on…(talking about Noah, in reference to my previous time spent at the cafe)

I’m tired. I hate it when thoughts take over so sleep becomes impossible. What is that about? My ears itch. I didn’t bring Q tips though. I wonder if that’s supposed to be highlighted. Dude, hyphenated. My mind is elsewhere. I wish I had sim city. I liked that game, and it would give me something non-internet to do.

You know it’s time to stop playing pinball when you get pissed at it. I’m hot…swimmy time.

Short swim. There’s a boat on the lake with nobody in it, going around in circles. What is that about? Hmm

Now I’m making chai and kettle corn. MMMM. Wal*Mart had kettle corn! After looking at the biggest grocery stores there are, I finally find it at Wal*Mart in Oxford. Hmmph. Oh well, the stuff is grrreat.

I wanna come over. To hell with the consequence. You told me you loved me. (Melissa Etheridge, "I wanna come over")

I love Etheridge. She was on the today show today. I really wish I had a tv here, I would’ve watched it.

Man, I’m a puttz. I was just hearing a faint banging thinking, oh no, who’s here? What’s that? But it turns out, it was just the friggin popcorn in the microwave. Man…

That’s aaaaaall I believe. (more Etheridge)

I miss Maggie. I wish she was here. *sigh* why does it automatically put my sighs in bold? Word is convenient sometimes, but at others, I just

Shit, had to run and get the popcorn

My intent was to make this a very me experience. I was going to shave my legs and do things for myself. But frankly, I think right now the best thing I can do for myself is nothing. And wow, I just had the urge to put on some sneakers and go for a run. Why did I not bring sneakers? Hmmph.

I want to try real chai. I’ve only had the kind that I’ve made myself. Damn, I also need my frickin’ check. Do I want to get that today? We’ll see, I suppose.

Hot kettle corn! It’s really greasy too. Thank goodness there are no nutrition facts on the bag…I don’t want to get my computer greasy though.

I want to sing. I miss singing. I just wrote a poem about it.

Heh heh, there is a chipmunk living at camp apparently. I am quite frightened by the little bugger. But fortunately, he appears to be as frightened of me, and not rabid or anything like that. He’s damn cute…I’m just…not into that.

It’s so hot! ick. It’s about 1 now.

The 10th that is.

PM

I miss Linda. I want to be with her. I miss kissing her. I miss feeling her against me. I miss her complete surrender to me. I miss her complete dependence on me. I just miss her. (yeeeah...so there you have it, any of you who didn't quite know everything about Linda yet. And, believe it or not, I actually edited that part. Some things are simply not appropriate)

In my life there’s been no one like him anywhere. ("In My Life" from Les Miserables)

*sneeze*

*sneeze*

A heart full of love. ("Heart Full of Love" from Les Miserable)

And mine’s Cosette. (um, can't remember, but it's the song where Marius and Cosette meet)

I am lost, I am found. (uh...something from Les Miserables)

Okay, so, this journal is pathetically boring and uninspired. I don’t feel bored though. I actually don’t feel like singing. Odd. I thought I did, but maybe not. And it’s hard to sing along with Les Miz because it’s so damned high.

Perhaps that’s why I like Eponine so much. As the second lead, she’s an alto! Yay!

I mostly feel longing right now. I’m emotional. Very emotional. I can feel the emotion in my middle. I miss people so very much. I feel sad. But I feel happy because I feel so much emotion. It’s about 3 now. Grammie came out for a little while. I’m glad that she was here. Now I don’t have to go there. I love her house, but I feel like I have no obligations now. Not as though I could ever really feel that. But. Emotion.

There’s bird shit on my car. I miss my little chipmunk friend now. Where’d he go?

At quarter of 4 it’s time to swim again.

Just showered. Now I’m goin’ home. *sigh*

And thus ends the tour of Emily's mind...ta dah! If you haven't been here before, rest assured, it's usually more coherent. Promise!