Selfishness
August 14th 2:05 p.m.

It seems like it's been a while since I've come across a song that made me go "aah." But this one is good. It makes me feel emotion. It also reminds me of Kara for some reason...I'm thinking it must just be the fact that I've heard it while talking to her or something. But now that I say it, I think that I've said that before. Oh well, thankfully most of you don't read often enough to know.

Oh, right, you want to know the song..."Be Like that" Three Doors Down.

I didn't do anything that made me happy yesterday. I rented movies. I watched Croutching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and I liked it, I guess. It was a good movie, I just wasn't riveted.

I'm tired. I was tired all day yesterday and I'm still tired today. And I have to work. And I don't want to. What else is new?

"If I could be like that, I would give anything just to live one day in those shoes. If I could be like that, what would I do?"

I don't think I agree with that. I want to live in my own shoes. But I suppose that there are certain situations that I'd rather my shoes be in. So...where does that leave me? One of those annoying people that are always sighing and say "I wish." Nope, I don't want to be like that. Linda says that people will always be drawn to me, that my beauty is evident, making me easy to love. Funny, because she also said: "it's hard enough just loving you..." Granted, there was more to the sentence, but that's an exact quote.

My big question of the moment is this: What is selfishness? Is telling someone that you're in love with them selfish when it's obviously not an ideal situation and nothing good could possibly come of it? Yeah, probably. But, there's an element to this that I cannot pinpoint. There's a reason that I feel somewhere in this situation, that makes it ok. That makes it necessary. Is that selfishness? And...say that this whole situation IS very selfish...another question begs itself of me. Is selfish bad? What is it really?

selfˇish (slfsh)

adj.

Concerned chiefly or only with oneself

Now...if a person is not concerned chiefly with one's self, then what's the point? That doesn't say that they are concerned ONLY with themselves, right? Personally, I do believe the selfishness is bad. I've always thought that, inside somewhere. I've always thought that if I ever put myself first, then I was uncaring, and unkind, and unworthy. I am my mother's daughter, of course, and as much as I love her, she has not set a good example for me as far as how I need to live to make my world an okay place for ME to be. And that's what it needs to be. It's MY world...my body, my mind, my soul, my spirit, my LIFE. I need it to be a good place for ME to live.

I'm not a bad person. I won't hurt any person intentionally without damn good cause, or personal need that I spend eons justifying...but I need to learn that it's about me. I'm not a good person. I'm not anything....except for me. And that has to be okay. If it's not...then what am I doing here in the first place?

But even as I write this self-empowering philosophy on living, I know that it's going to be a while before selfish isn't bad. I just need to keep saying it. I have to live for me.

And other than that...I must go up and finish watching this HORRIFIC remake of *The Horse Whisperer* Man...why did I do this to myself? This is why books are thousands of times better than any tv or movie could EVER be.

"I still believe it when you say, it's another perfect day, another perfect day." ~American Hi-Fi