Long, but worth it
August 20th 2:03 p.m.

I fought with Aaron last night. Ouch. What else is new? We really can't seem to get along anymore. We push each other's buttons constantly, and I don't think either of us does it on purpose. I've discovered that my main problem with him is that he doesn't know me at all. He has no idea what it is to be me. He thinks, and Linda agreed, that inside I'm not as nice as I appear on the outside. They think that I'm somewhat malicious inside this skin. Now, I've been trying to figure out what I think about this whole thing. June was awful for me. Biiig identity crisis time: graduation, fighting with friends, trying to figure out who and what I am, not being the smart kid anymore. But then, as Maggie helped me realize, what my friends think about who I really am is what my friends think. They have no control over who or what I really am. They don't live in my skin. Who I am is not for them to decide. I'm rather sick of people pretending that they know me better than I do. They think they understand everything I do, why I do it, and why I think a certain way. This simply results in constant self-esteem issues on my side. I'm always trying to figure out all this shit about myself, and it becomes a little trying. But the truth is that I am me. If some kind of analysis is going to be done about who I really am, it's going to be done by me. And if my friends can't accept who I am, and what I tell them, then what am I to do? Nothing. I can't cater to their every theory. And if they're not going to believe that I'm not entirely full of shit, then it's time to re-evaluate that relationship.

No, I'm not full of shit. When I'm nice and sweet, that's how I feel. Occasionally I will flip out. I will get angry, I'll get into a fight with someone, and then they will re-evaluate who they think I am. They tell me that this darker side must be what I always am underneath, and that I only let it come out once in a while. Well, that's just not it. I don't find myself trying to bottle up emotions. That's simply not something I do. It is very important to me that people be genuine. I can't stand the way that people hide their emotions. And I simply don't do it. In those times that I'm angry, offensive, etc, that's how I feel. In those times that I'm sweet and innocent and good and people refer to me as the one nobody can hate, that's how I feel. That's it. I'm not fake, I'm just Emily. And please, don't pretend to know me better than I do. I don't claim to know everything there is to know about myself. I don't know who I am...but if that's so, then you certainly don't either. And if you do want to claim to know something about me, let it be the fact that I am me, that I will let you know what you need to know, and that I'm not going to fuck with you or lie to you about what is going on inside me.

On another note, I've been reading other people's diaries a lot lately. Man, I am purely amazed at the people out there. yesterday I found a website belonging to a 14 year old. Had I not read that she was 14, I would have thought her to be older than me. That girl has a beautiful soul. The number of diaryland diaries I read daily also seems to be increasing. Man...I simply love this. I love hearing what people have to say, what they're thinking, what they're feeling. The ways in which the human mind and sould work are simply amazing...wow.

George is leaving tomorrow. Man...things are just changing so much, and so fast. She's coming over today. It's going to be so strange. I saw her everyday for 4 years during school, and now she's moving to Florida. Jenn is leaving Wednesday. Bec's already gone, Niki's going next. Whew. It's so weird for me. Since I'm leaving so much later than everyone, I just have to sit here for now and watch them all go, and wonder what's going to happen next. My life is just going to be a hollow shell of what it was. My next mission is to fill up the shell with all the wonderful things that are to greet me in the next part of my life. I'm just so afraid. I don't know how. I've never had a change like this. Whew. So, wish me luck, ok? And be with me as I say good-bye.

On a lighter note, last night was certainly interesting. Before fighting with Aaron, I watched Magnolia with Linda. Um, it was the kind of movie that I would recognize as being good, but wouldn't really want to see again. Too long, too...I don't know. It just lacked the entertainment value for me.

Anyway, so Linda left. She never spends any time here. That bothers me. She's afraid of my parents. That bothers me, even if it's not something she can help. Sometimes I just wish she'd hang out here, spend time with me in MY world...I don't know...but anyway, so she had left. I got some food and came downstairs. She showed up at my window, begging me to come to her house to help her and her sister catch a frog. weeeeird, why would they have a frog in their house? So anyway, I went, and got there to discover that it wasn't a frog at all, but a toad. This makes infinitely more sense. We don't live near water, frogs don't make their home on South St. of course, Cathy and Linda made fun of me for this, but anyway, I caught it in a shoe box for them and let it go, and returned home. But it was damn amusing at the time!

Uh, hope you made it through.