I LOVE MY FRIENDS
Saturday, Aug. 25, 2001 01:28

I am fucking COLD. Wow, when was the last time I could say that? Aaaah, it's great! No, I don't generally enjoy making myself this cold, but it's nice to be able to wear a sweatshirt, and sit on my bed on an August night and be cold.

So...I live way too much of the time to make Linda think that I'm...I don't know, worthy? beautiful? good? wonderful? something...and tonight, when reading what she had to say about life, I began to feel accomplished, when she referred to me as beautiful and funny. That's what I want. I want to be the one the gives her some kind of hope, and makes her smile. But when she feels like shit, and can't even bitch to me because she doesn't want to lose her spot on this pedestal that she alone has an infinite place on, that's simply not cool. I understand. But, if I'm that wonderful one that I want to be, she shouldn't be leaving feeling lonely because we're both so damn concerned about who we are to each other to actually be something real to each other. I fucking love her so damned much. I want to be everything to her. And I can't be. And this is not something that I can readily accept.

Tears...yup, tears just welled up in my eyes. The pit of my stomach feels like it can never be satisfied unless she is here now, laying with me. I want her to cry as much as she needs, hurt as much as she needs, bitch as much as she needs, do whatever it is that she needs until she can be smiling, laughing, being as amazingly adorable, and wonderful as she was today.

Yeah, today was a damned good Linda day. I need these. This is what makes me feel like I actually have something to lose when I leave, rather than just running away and feeling like I have to start over.

My life is good right now.

Katie, Bobby, Jen, Linda and I went to Denny's tonight. Linda and I listened to Ani in the car. It was good. And it was a great time for me. That is the kind of group I like to be in the company of. I love them all! I hadn't seen Jen in a long time, or Katie really. And tomorrow Katie and I are going to the library together. Katie's good. Katie is good to talk to. And she's so wonderful and perfect. She makes me feel fabulous. She makes me feel like she'll sincerely miss me when I'm gone to college. I need that a lot right now, as I said. Bobby is just a cool guy, and I've already devoted the rest of this to Linda, but I'll say it again. I love her very much.

Aaron and Serena and I hung out for a little while the other day. Niki and Ryan and I went bowling the other night. All good experiences. Hmm, Then there was the Denny's thing with George and Jenn. So...overall, it's good. I'm good. Life is good. La vida es buena.

I don't feel amazing. But it's okay. I feel fine.

But I think I'm becoming lactose intolerant...ugh.