Aaron and Noah
Tuesday, Aug. 28, 2001 23:10

I'm HAPPY! aaah, that was so nice. Aaron was just here. It has been so long since we've gotten along very well. There is nothing better than hanging out with someone, and leaving with the feeling of how absolutely wonderful they are.

Now Noah is the only loose end I have left. I sincerely miss him. I am really willing to put everything aside and remember only how wonderful it was a year ago when everything seemed so perfect. To remember only the way it felt to be held so tightly in his arms as we danced to "Angel." To remember the way he gave me free apple juice and lots of corny rays of happiness when I went in and saw him at work. To remember that night when we were in Auburn, the lastest I'd ever been out, with Ian and Becca, and we went to Denny's, and he looked sooo amazing.

These memories are some of the only things that keep me from thinking that I'm probably gay. I haven't been attracted to a guy in a long damn time. Really, I haven't at all. All I've wanted is a girl. Mostly Linda. But knowing that I was completely in love with Noah is what keeps my mind open. No matter what this is that I feel for Linda. Noah was different. He was the one I thought about ALL the time. He was the one I needed to see everyday. He was the one that made me cry in every single thing he did tto hurt himself. I'm sure many of you remember what I was like with him. I was so damn happy so much of the time, and so damn upset the rest. All because of this amazing control he had over me. I was completly his. I've never had that feeling before. And I can't wait to have it again. Nobody will ever be able to call me a pessimist about love.

But anyway, my point was that Noah is the thing that keeps me from thinking I'm a lesbian. Then I beging to question that, wondering if maybe he doesn't count because he's gay...I don't know. But then I slap myself, and realize. There are no rules! It's time for me to just shut up. What is this? I am me. That's it. I dont' want to define myself, yet it's so natural for me to do so. Time to listen to some Ani. Maybe that'll help.

But how did I get off Aaron?

Either way. yay! Aaron! Today was a good Aaron day. Oooh yeah, I was talking about how now I need to have a good Noah day, and I'll have everyone covered.

I am reeeally hoping he'll respond. I so desperately need some meaningful correspondence with him, and a hug. I need that so much. But it's probably too late for the hug. I'm not getting that.

Okay...I have a headache...gotta go to bed soon.