Rejection/Abandonment Issues
Friday, Aug. 31, 2001 13:45

Floyd sucks.

I've been looking forward to seeing her. Since, it has been quite a while now. I've missed her this summer. So, I was going to go see her today. Now I'm quite disappointed.

I imed her: I'm coming to hang out with you today (she already knew this, she said it was cool if I came today after school)

Floyd says: I'm an ass. I can't stay today.

Well gee, isn't that nice? Eh. Oh well, at least she called herself an ass. And she offerend to stay long enough to say hi. But what would be the point? I'm going to Katie's FH game at 4, and there's NO way I'm going to go at 2, come home, and go back at 4. That would just be silly.

Why does this bother me so much? I HATE being blown off. It totally crushes me, every time. I can't deal with it for some reason. I think I have abandonment issues. I feel like shit whenever anyone ends a conversation with me prematurely (when I really want to be talking to them), when they tell me they can't see me, when they have to leave my presence. I can't be rejected. It's like when I was young. If I was at my baby-sitter's house and I was thirsty, instead of asking for a drink, I'd either sit there and deal with it, or sort of hint to the fact that I was thirsty, and hope that she offered me something. I've always been afraid to ask for anything. I am terrified that somebody will say no to me, and then I will feel like poo. I think it all must tie in somehow. I think I just need to suck it up, personally.

I really want to go to the movies tonight. Maybe I'll just go by myself...not likely. I'll probably just go to Katie's game, go out to dinner with my parents and grocery shopping, and then come home.

I keep forgetting to make sure to do something that makes me happy. Yesterday I did, but not really on purpose. I went to get ice cream with Aaron and Katie, then I spent some time with Linda.

I had missed Linda. I got out of work yesterday, and suddenly really missed her. I said it out loud, I think. I tend to do that. I talk to myself a LOT. Is that sometime people don't know about me? oooh! hmm...that might be something I can answer when asked what is something most people don't know about me.

Anyway though, now I'm making a list of things I need for school. It's pretty darn long so far. But...I keep thinking that there are things I am going to inevitably forget. Of course.

Well...