I said all kinds of cool shit EARLIER....damn internet!
Thursday, Sept. 20, 2001 20:22

I’m getting really angry with my internet. I keep updating, and writing good shit, and then when I am all done, I try to post it, and it just diappears into the vast depth of cyberspace.

FUCK. I want to sit and cry.

“I wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees, find a way to lie about a home I’ll never see. It may sound absurd, but don’t be naïve, even heroes have the right to bleed. I may be disturbed, but won’t you concede even heroes have the right to dream? It’s not easy to be me.”

-Five For Fighting “Superman”

That’s my newest DL. It seems to fit. I’m so fucking lonely. I don’t know how to do this. I just don’t know how to do any of it.

The first day I was here, I was taken by a girl that I saw moving in. She’s short, tiny, with spiked blonde hair, and HOT. Yeah…she’s appealing. She just looks so confident, and kind, outgoing, funny, and…Happy. Tonight I went to the NUBiLAGA meeting and she was there. I was excited. She was sitting next to me at one point. Even the fact that she has a girlfriend is okay. It’s fine. I’d love to get to know someone like that. But people like that are not as drawn to me as I am to them. They never have been. People in general never have been. My only prayer is to get to know people. I want to find people who are willing to give me the chance to show them what I am in here. Nobody has done that for me yet.

I am impatient because on nights like this, I feel like SHIT. I am lonely. There is nobody for me to hang around with. I think the people I’ve been relying on are already getting sick of me. And I don’t blame them. They don’t know me. I just…need something to get me going. Tomorrow I am hanging out with Eb. But, I was going to bring someone along, however, I am sure I won’t be able to find anyone to go, so there goes that. And even is an incredible bummer. I don’t want to take the T alone at night! Ack! That’s a major no-no anyway. So…what the fuck am I supposed to do? How do I show people what and who I am?

NUBiLAGA was cool. It was fun, entertaining. But, I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to meet anyone there. Tonight was kind of futile. And I’m sure that’s a big part of my sadness at the moment. I was supposed to be there to be meeting people. And I didn’t really meet anyone. There was one freshman girl that said she was lonely. I wish I knew where to find her. It would be really good to hang out with her right now.

The girl two doors down said that Kristen is really cool. I wish I knew how to start good conversation. She’s not really receptive to anything that I say.

I have a whole weekend ahead of me. I need to meet people. I am such a chicken shit. I guess I will just have to go for it. I don’t have another choice at all really. Any suggestions? Man…

So yeah, I’m done bitching. I’m sorry. I just want to cry.