This is a good one
Thursday, Sept. 27, 2001 20:16

Okay, so this time, my entry is GOING to be posted, because I am going to save it somewhere first! I've had such bad luck with this lately!

I went to NUBiLAGA tonight. It was okay, but it seems like everywhere I go I just feel like SUCH a freshman. And there are people I want to meet, so badly, that probably couldn't care much less about meeting me. I'm STILL struggling with all this social shit. I know, it has only been two weeks. It takes up to a month, and with me, I'm probably going to go ahead and count on the whole month. I should have gone to the espresso royale cafe after the meeting, but I didn't have any money....bad excuse, but yeah...

I'm really tired. But I don't have classes tomorrow, so it is going to be a nice morning of sleeping late. I was supposed to go to TJ Maxx for the grand opening, but it doesn't look like much shopping is going to get done. Kim fell down the stairs today and sprained her ankle. She is pretty much completely unable to move. :-( That's not cool! I feel bad for her, because it is much more of an inconveniance for her.

I thought about Noah all through logic this morning. He has this wonderful way of gathering my attention. I just kept thinking about Columbus weekend, and how much I'd love to run to him and feel myself melt into his arms. He's the best person to hug. I could almost feel it, just sitting there. His arms around me. I can almost smell him. I wonder if people keep the same smells when they're out of their houses, in college. I hope so. So, yes, I admit it, I miss the fuck out of Noah. And I want to see him very very much. He promises that I will. And it's probably better if he does promise, and then fails, because that's the healthy way to go. But I still have these incredible feelings and these "what if"s. What if he is for real? Could being friends really hurt? Is it bad that when I think of him, I can see myself giving in? Answer: yes. And he doesn't deserve me. And I don't deserve him. But, it's still there for me. So I guess we'll see.

Then I continued on down the line, and spent Psych thinking about Linda. I wasn't thinking sad thoughts. I was just thinking about her, in general. I was thinking about her face, and her smile. I was picturing her expressions, from quirky, to sad, to dramatic, to happy, to sarcastic, to bored. Hers is a face I can always picture. Then I was picturing her walking, hanging off people the way she does, laughing, making sarcastic comments, sitting at the computer, fidgeting, chewing on the drawstring of her shirt. Then I was thinking about that last night with her. The kiss that I will always remember. The kiss that I would build my life around if I could. I thought about what I did that night, and what I shouldn't have done. I was thinking about how hard it is going to be next time I see her. I can't mess up again. I can't do it to her, to Andrew, to myself. But seeing her, feeling her hand in mine, feeling her face against mine, her arms around me, her essence surrounding me, makes me feel like it couldn't be wrong. It makes me feel like maybe my life is really just a series of moments like this. Maybe giving all of this up is truly the greater mistake. And maybe, just maybe, someday she will see me even slightly in the same light that I see her.

So, look at me! I'm a mess! There are only two people I can see myself with right now. One is in my grasp, but disastrously destructive to my psyche, and the other is completely...completely as far from being mine as is possible.

So tonight at NUBiLAGA, I watched two of the executive board members, Kate and Lauren, kiss. Lesbian couples! aaah! It excites me. But leaves me feeling...lonely. So...I dunno.

Linda, if you're reading this, I love you. and damnit...Please sign my guestbook ;-)