A frightening Dream
Friday, Sept. 28, 2001 11:34

I dreamt (is that the right conjugation?) about Noah last night. It was a good dream. I don't usually have good dreams...

***SHIT!!!! I just heard the loudest thunder of my entire life!!! SHIT!!!! Is it always like this here???? aaaah! I'm scared now....***

I dreamed of Linda once. Now that was a damn good dream. In that dream, I was just laying with her, feeling her up against me. It was a purely romantic intimacy, something that hasn't existed between us in a damn long time. Maybe that's why I'm so hung up on this damn kiss. It was so much less sexual than anything I've had with her lately, so what does that leave? You know? It's like some kind of little hope. But anyway, back to this dream about her. It was just nice. It was warm and comfortable. I don't even remember kissing her in the dream. It was more just wonderful closeness. That was probably the first good dream I had.

That would make last night the second. Noah. So, here's how it went. I was home for Columbus Day, but I had been busy the whole weekend. I made it completely up to him to make sure he saw me, so he met me in a store where me and my friends were shopping. We were walking around, shopping, and somehow we got disconnected from my friends. I put down the shopping basket I was carrying to look at something, and I realized that I had never gotten my hug. If nothing else, when I see him, IF I see him, that's what I want, a fucking hug. So, I went to hug him. It was so realistic, the way he wanted to put his arms around me, and the way he wanted my arms around his waist. But I had envisioned it differently, so I changed it. It was kind of awkward, as it would be in real life, as I stretched my arms up and around his 6'5" neck. And then pulled myself close to him. There, in the dream, he tightened his arms and held me there, with my face against the top of his chest, breathing him in, feeling comfortable, feeling like it was all the same again. Then we backed away, as people hugging do after a little while, and he tried to kiss me. I wouldn't let him at first. he persisted, and kissed me anyway. My eyes were open, and I was thinking about it. I knew it was bad, and that I shouldn't be doing it. But then I rationalized with myself, and decided that I would anyway. I decided that I didn't have anything to lose. So I kissed him, and it was wonderful, and it was what I had been missing for so long. It was simply wonderful. And then it ended. I told him that I was going to be home the next day, and that he needed to make an effort to see me, since on this particular day, we had only been able to spend a few minutes together. He then went on and on about reasons he couldn't, prior plans etc etc. It was just like it used to be. And I was crushed again.

It is SUCH a likely situation! SO incredibly likely. *sigh* I had forgotten the end until I was telling it, so maybe it really wasn't that great of a dream. But it was really realistic, and that kind of scares me, because if it feels half as good as it did in that dream, I am totally screwed. So...uh...like I said, we'll see. With a little hope, maybe he will just not come through at all. Maybe he'll be completely unwilling to sacrifice or manipulate his schedule, as he has been so many times.

But the truth of the matter is, I woke up wanting him. I think Emily needs to get some...

I was in the shower thinking about something Katie said, or was it Serena? Either way, one of them said that they wondered if the first person I fall in love with at college will be gay, my thoughts: yeah, probably. That goes either way. It will either be a gay male, or a gay female. Damn, I hope it's a female....