Home Again, ugh
Sunday, Oct. 07, 2001 15:08

I'm home now. I'm very very bored, and very very tired. And my room is empty and I don't like it.

I started posting on the blog that Linda put together for all of her friends. It is...interesting. I suppose I could say. I'm not sure what's going on with Linda. She pissed me off the other day, and we haven't talked since. I'm not sure if I'm not talking to her, or she's not talking to me. Either way, I don't think I care right now. Seriously. It's not worth my time. I have plenty of friends that are looking forward to seeing me. Linda doesn't give a shit either way. She won't be heart broken if she doesn't get a chance to spend time with me, so why should I? I'm getting really sick of putting myself out there for people who don't care either way. If they don't appreciate me, what is the point? So, even going further than the prospect of us hanging out while I am home, I am not even going to talk to her first. She isn't bothered by the fact that we're not talking. Stuff like that has no effect on her really. I'm not the one she wants right now. In other words, I'm not Jeff. So, whether I am here or there, online or not, in love with her or not, pissed at her or not, it doesn't matter. It makes no impact on her little closed off, non-vulnerable world. And I have NO problem making myself vulnerable. But when it comes to making effort over and over again for someone I love that is supposed to love me too, it just isn't worth it when my efforts mean so little to him or her.

Dinner tonight with Mom, Dad, J, S, Adrianna and Rosalie. Should be okay. But today, the fact that nobody talks about anything is bothering me. My family is completely close off and unexpressive. I think my frustration stems from spending yesterday with Maggie. The Anti-my family.

And for the rest of the weekend, I will devote myself and my time to those who want it. Tonight it Katie. After that, who knows? Probably shopping tomorrow with my mom. SHE wants to go with me. And anyone else that cares, that wants to see me, and is willing to make the effort will be happily scheduled in. Otherwise, fuck it, I'd rather sit in my room.