Arguments
Friday, Oct. 19, 2001 10:16

I am currently in work study, using a computer that I'm not sure I'm even allowed to use...hmm. So this is going to be really short.

I have this NEED for mail. This is not really as frequent as you may think. Although I am always hoping for mail, right now I feel like I need it. I feel like i need some good interaction through the good old USPS, or at least through hotmail....just don't send me anthrax. MAN, that's shitty! The country has been slowly falling apart since 9/11...and now look at it. There are people dying EVERYWHERE.

"When you are with me, I'm free, I'm careless, I believe."

I LOVE that song. I woke up wanting to hear it, and it just came on the radio.

I wrote a letter to Linda the other day. I had wanted to mention it when I wrote it, but I didn't want her to know, but she has to have gotten it by now. So, now I'm waiting for a response. I may not get one though. Linda tends to play by rules though. And since my letter to her was written, it is likely that if she does respond, it will also be written. I don't know though...maybe she won't. Because maybe she thinks I'm full of shit. This is likely. She hates the way I act when I am caught up in hating things about her. The other day I wrote in here that I hate people who don't lose arguments, or something along those lines. Well, I wasn't even talking about her. But I'm sure she assumed that I was, since on dysphorena I wrote that she doesn't lose arguments.

ANYWAY. Some of her thoughts were that a) I don't have conviction about arguing, and I don't usually think arguing is useful. That is very true. I don't give a shit. Whatever, life is too short. So the concept of arguing about trivialness, or things that do not desperatly NEED to be proven seems like a waste of time to me. b) she says I'm not rational. I'm rational. I am. She said that I get defensive, when I honestly think that the only reason I get defensive is because she does. In fact, I think I am one of the most rational people I know. I don't get pissed at people very often. I don't EVER say that I'm right, and you're wrong and that's it. (OH, there is one exception to that. People absolutely can NOT argue with me about something that is completely about me. Nobody can tell me why I do things, or why I am the way I am. They can't even tell me that I am a certain way, unless it is something they'd like to point out that I am doing that is bothering them. But when somebody tries to tell me what my intentions are, and how my mind works, I will not listen. Because that isn't a matter of opinion. that is a matter of me. And even if I don't know myself inside and out at this point in my life, they certainly don't know me any better than I do.) and c) She says I can't agree to disagree. Well, personally, I'd prefer to just agree to disagree BEFORE the argument even starts. I don't think arguments get ANYwhere most of the time. Linda said that sometimes I don't recognize that that is what she is trying to do. This may be possible. And I can understand why she thinks this is true. I tend to not let people not back up their opinions, but I think that is a pretty common trait to be found. If someone can not express why the feel a certain way, then why feel it? and ESPECIALLY, why argue it? I also won't let her leave saying that her opinion of why I do something or feel a certain way is her opinion, and that's it. This refers to the above. The reason I can't let this go is because IT IS ME. NOBODY can tell me why I do something. And if they think they know, they should keep it to themselves and never give me an inkling that they know. But as long as the person I am arguing with can back up their opinion to some extent, and as long as they are not trying to convince me something about the nature of myself, then fine. We will agree to disagree, in most cases.

So, those are the things that bother me about arguing. I hate the concept of trivial arguing. I don't hate that Linda is argumentative. It appears that Linda sees me as far more critical than i really am. Perhaps I am wrong, but how am I to know, since she wrote about me on her diary, instead of talking to me about it? Granted, I have done the same thing with her. I understand, and am not criticizing that, just trying to understand where we stand, I guess.

So yeah, I'm a hypocrit. what has this been but an argument? heh...right.

But, in summary: things with Linda really suck right now. I'm sick of it. It's bullshit. And I'm sure we both think it the other's fault. But all I need from her is for her to give a shit. I just haven't seen that. And it's making me crazy. It's making me bitter toward her, which is most likely why she sees things as being my fault. So...I just don't know...

Probably the best advice I have gotten: "Fuck Linda!" (not gonna disclose who said it)

...also the most impossible. I love her so fucking much.