Loneliness
Sunday, Oct. 21, 2001 13:02

Nothing feels right today. I don't know what is wrong. Fortunately, I think part of it may be that I am PMS-ing (I hope! I hope! I hope!) I don't know...I just woke up feeling like crap. I felt like crap yesterday too. Very very lonely, very very bored, very very out of place. It is becoming very frustrating to me that I can't past this phase. Where's the good stuff?

But today in the shower I was thinking about some stuff. Firstly, I've been here a month. I started at ground zero. I didn't know where I was, what I was doing or anyone around me. And, I'm lamenting the fact that I don't have the type of friends I have at home? That's just not realistic. Even at home I made friends very slowly. It was like *boom- now you're my best friend! No, nothing like that. But it didn't seem like this at all because all the while, I knew where I was, what I was doing, and how my life was. I already had a huge basis of friends, and peers, and comfort. This is different. I am in this massive hurry to develop lasting bonds with people because I'm so lonely, but it just isn't going to work like that. It just can't.

What I need to stop doing though, is to stop living the way I am living. I'm not living for each day anymore. I'm not thinking about the good things. I'm not enjoying anything. All I can think about is getting through it. I'm just plowing through in hopes of finding something better on the other side. Well, if I'm busy living like that, then there's no way it will be better on the other side. I have to live. I have to be thankful for what I have. I have to enjoy where I am, what I am, and what is really here to see.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I just don't know how to do it. I'm getting tired, and frustrated, and sad. If anybody has a suggestion, please dispense it! Just keep in mind that it is harder for some people to make friends, and I am one of those people.