Hormones suck
Monday, Oct. 22, 2001 17:00

I hate yahoo.

Not going into any more than that...

I'm so emotional! And so tired! And I'm getting a cold :-(

I want to hear from Linda. I love her so much. I want her to feel the same way that I do. But that's not something I can ask for, or something I can expect, or something I will ever get. At this point it's nothing more than wanting her to talk to and to care about me. I was reading her blog today. She always spells "necessary" as "nessecary" and something about that, and that I knew that, made me love her even more. Something about the imperfection of the nature of her being, and the bitchiness I have apparently been displaying towards her faults made me incredibly emotional. You know what? I love that. I love that underneath everything she shows to the world, all the loud, outgoing, crazy stuff that makes people love her, there is still something more underneath, something soft, something real, something vulnerable, something emotional, something imperfect. I love that that something was once very much devoted to me, very much part of me, very much something incredibly special to me. It still is very special to me, but I no longer have the luxury of reciprocation. I'm not sure whether it is that she's not good at being close to too many people at one, and it's not my time, or she just doesn't want to be close to me right now. Or maybe she just doesn't care.

I was hoping with every shred of my being that I'd get mail from her today...

instead, I got lots of other mail today. It was good! But I got a letter from Tiff that was a little bothersome. I will give her a good response. She deserves it. I feel bad, because it's obvious that I haven't been very clear about a lot of things.

I'm in an Ani mood. Ani is great.

Damnit, why doesn't she just talk to me?

...and why do I need her to so much?

Floyd e-mailed me today.

I am PMSing really bad. I'm so emotional...I just want to cry.

Where'd my pedestal go? Someone is hiding it in their closet. They don't want me to find it. Maybe I don't deserve to, but it's so hard to see from down here. I just want a hug. I just want some love, effort, and I dunno...something else.

"I am truly sorry, truly sorry about all this." ~Ani