My Perfect Evening
Tuesday, Oct. 23, 2001 20:39

Here's how I want tonight to be:

I want to cry my eyes out in Aaron's arms. I want him to hug me, and pet me, and tell me that it's okay, that he knows how I feel and that he feels the same way. Lonely tears are bad. But they're all I seem to have. And, I just don't know, today has been really upsetting for me...

Then I want to be with Linda. I want to hold her, and have her hold me back. I want to kiss her and her to kiss me back. I want for us to lay in bed facing each other, touching each other's hair, laughing, smiling, caressing, folding into each other, nestling our bodies together under warm blankets, and to fall asleep there, knowing that it's okay, and knowing that she loves me, and that I don't have to be male. I want to feel her. And I want her to feel me, and feel comforted, feel aroused, feel magical, feel whole. I want to make her feel what she's never felt before, what only I can give her. And I want her to understand all of this, and understand me, and become a part of this new thing that is simply "us."

That was the perfect evening I came up with on my walk from Copley.

Instead, I'm going to cry for a little while, until I've gotten it partially out of my system (having a roommate sucks sometimes). I'm going to try as hard as possible to force myself to read Thomas Aquinas. And try to convince myself that the fact that I'm not a guy, and that therefor I will never be one of the much-needed is okay, because that's not all there is to life. Then I'm going to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and get up early enough to take a shower. Then I'm going to be really busy tomorrow. I'm going to feel better, and I'm going to do well on my psych test. Then I'm going to sing my heart out, create some beauty, and come home feeling like my life means something.

Because it does! I like my life! My life is good! I just don't know sometimes...