Selfishness
Monday, Oct. 29, 2001 14:16

Wishing it could feel so good.

Hoping that it will.

Knowing that it won't.

And all the while I'm living a good life. All the while things are falling into place all around me. All the while people are loving me and holding me close to them no matter how far away I get. People are putting up a fight for me! People are waiting for me, and thinking of me before they eat their lunch. People are writing to me, and thanking me. People are IMing me with multiple exclamation points.

People are missing me.

I am missing them. But I am being happy. I am living for ME. I am living for Emily. I am living as a girl. I am living as the reason that teachers teach, and the girl that lives down the street.

But others are not living for the same reasons. I allow others to be as selfish as they desire. I allow them to love me, to love themselves, to love others, to do their own thing, to forget me every once in a while, to sleep when they want to sleep, to eat when they want to eat, to shop when they want to shop, to pick a movie when they want to rent, to not hug me when I want a hug.

("Because everyone is a fucking Napoleon" - Ani

I love that song.

I just made a new away message. It's good. It asks people to leave me alone, let me be selfish, let me be me, and let me be.)

But other people rarely let me be selfish. And if they try to, I generally don't let them. So ha...I guess I'm pretty screwed! I was walking to Blockbuster last night, alone, and thinking about selfishness, and the nature of it. I just want someone who will let me be completely selfish, but whom I am willing to do the same for.

"I wanna be in love" - Melissa

aight, I can't concentrate.

I need to get an A on my Astronomy midterm. I have to. I've gotten A's on the other two that I've taken (98 in Psych), and that would be really good. I need good grades! I need them....because if not a good student, then what am I? oh fuck, not this again, this brings me back to June....ah shit.

OK, I'm done. Astronomy time.