My first, best everything
Saturday, Nov. 03, 2001 04:23

Today (or yesterday, whatever) was good! AND, I can stay up late, be as loud as I want, and sleep as late as I want because Kristen is in NY this weekend. It is very very nice to have 2 nights alone. Lauren and I just watched "The Wedding Planner" and now I'm just enjoying BEING here.

We met some people tonight, while hanging out with Stu. We witnessed DDR (Dance Dance Revolution), a really cool video game involving sweaty guys dancing. It was so fucking funny! We also discovered that we want to live in Kennedy. Kennedy is soooo nice!!! Wow...why couldn't I have been just a little bit smarter?

I'm enjoying music! Music! Music!

Just wanted to do that. I'm so happy!!! I have tomorrow completely off. However, that means we will have to come up with something to do. We've thought about going to Rocky Horror at midnight. But it'll probably depend on whether or not we feel like walking back from cambridge at 2 am.

I've been reading old stuff, getting nostalgic, realizing past stupidity, and enjoying my life for what it's worth. Conclusions: I will never again let blatant gayness escape me, I will never again act so incredibly stupid and flirty when desperate to get some, and that no matter what, I will always love Linda. Doesn't matter if I don't want to. She's a part of me. She's a beautiful part of me. And other people's advice aside, she's just so...I don't know how to end that.

Linda to me: Linda symbolizes for me a first in almost every emotion that can exist. It was with Linda that I experienced the first sexual moments of my life, my first kiss, my first relationship (although I still hesitate to call it that, since it was so not concrete). She gave me my first concept of a best friend. She was the first person that taught me to share myself, the first person that had so much passion for things that she was bursting. She opened my eyes to so many things. She taught me about beauty and emotion. She and I share so many things, so many interests, desires, inside jokes, experiences, memories, conversations, understandings. We have been the single entity, the couple, the enemies, the lesbians making out on the the street at night. But for me, Linda is Linda. Linda, somehow, will always be one of my favorite people to talk to in any situation. She will always be my best friend, my first. My biggest emotional effector.

Yet, despite this, I have done wrong by her. I have spent too much time judging her arguing without ever even taking a moment to realize that without passion, I never would have fallen for her. I have spent way too much time worrying about her, and feeling bad for her, and wanting to save her without doing a single thing to be there for her. I have hated the way she acts. I have hated that I will never be able to compete with Jeff. I have gotten jealous at every mention of his name. I have thrown aside my morals in order to fulfill my own selfishness, and consequently added to the ruin of two of her relationships. How does that work? why have I had such roles in that?

So, I don't know. All I know is that after all of this, I want her to be here with me. I want her to lay in my bed with me, the way she did with Jeff. Even though it can never be the same. Because things are sacred. I want the term floor hockey to pertain only to us. I want her to be here now, with no obligations, no moral dilemnas, no states apart, nothing but US. I want what has been gone for 3 years now.

But I'd settle for two things: 1) A good easy-going relationship between two friends that love each other deeply, 2) Some desire to see each other, a visit, a phone call, an e-mail, a letter.

and one last wish...I wish I had the ability to make her as happy in an instant as Elorza, Jeff, or well, most of her boys do. I suppose that I probably did have that, at one time, but it was never nearly as obvious, I don't think. She wrote somewhere once that people will fall in love with me because I make my beauty evident. So, I guess with no elusiveness, there's nothing unexpected or exciting. Nothing is meaningful anymore because everything is there for everyone to see.

It is early now...damn, that was a good night, when she explained the difference between late and early. And the city still hasn't stopped. It never does. There are cars, there is music, and lights. And beauty.

And I'm not sad. I'm...loving, giving, generous, longing, emotional, and nostalgic.