Just Dealing
Friday, Nov. 09, 2001 11:08

I’m actually going to have work to do in work study today. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. Can you believe how strenuous this is going to be? I have to call and try to get ahold of a girl that had flowers delivered to her. THEN, I have to hand-deliver some letters in this building. OOOH, all that, and posting fliers around the dorm. It’s an exciting morning at speare. Well, actually, it kind of is. There seem to be people everywhere. I just ran into Kristen in the lobby. Her friend Alissa is here for the weekend. Boy, I wish I knew how to spell that….

ANYWAY…So besides the fact that I got my entire hopes for the week crushed yesterday, it was a good day. I had fun. I went to the gym with Lauren and Kim. I have to hand it to them, as big a pain in the ass as they can be, they are still great people. I was telling Lauren about how shitty I felt yesterday, and she was so nice. She knows how to comfort people. And then we went to the gym, and they were so cool! I got my endorphins up, and we talked the whole time. It was great.

Kim said something like: “I pity the man you marry” (I think that was it…I could be really wrong though.”

Lauren’s response: “Hey, don’t discriminate! What about girls?” Yeah, I’m paraphrasing, but that was the jist of it.

It feels like home to me!

Then we talked about controlling relationships. We talked about giving in and having sexual relations with people that, when you’re rational, you don’t want to have sexual relations with. We talked about all kinds of stuff. I laughed. I felt good. I felt like I have friends. It’s a good feeling. An even better feeling: Somebody asked me to go somewhere yesterday and I couldn’t because I was already doing something! So what if it was just dinner…but it’s good! It made me feel like I have options!

About my week-crushing. (it’s only fair that I get back to that). I miss Linda. I’m sure you all realize this. And I really would like to spend some time with her. But in the past two times that I was home, we didn’t see each other. She promised that she’d probably be up to Gloucester within a month or so of when I left, and that she’d see me then. She didn’t. I remember talking to people (I can’t guarantee that she was included, but I thought she was) about the outing club’s Boston trip, and about how people were going to go so that they could hang out with me (among other things of course). So, last week, when I asked her if she was going, and she said she was, I was very excited. I thought it was going to be this amazing weekend.

…Last night, I talked to her. She feels like Jen and I gang up on her when we are all together. I understand. I remember one specific incident when we all went out where we treated her like shit. At that point, I didn’t realize that it bothered her so much, since she tends to not be bothered by insults too much, and since it was pretty sarcastic. Even if the things we were insulting were somewhat serious, I didn’t realize it had such a large effect, since she knows that we both love her to death. But it did. And she told me that. After that, I honestly don’t remember hanging out with her and Jen again very much. I don’t remember ganging up on her again. I’m sure that we didn’t that night at Denny’s. But then again “intent vs. impact.” So, I guess it is very very possible that we hurt her without meaning to. So, to summarize, she thinks that hanging out with us both in Boston would be too painful for her. If that is so, then it will be too painful for her. If that is so, she will not be the Linda I want to spend time with, and because of that, I’m not going to see her. It took everything I had to give in to her, and to agree not to see her. I was crying at the time. I couldn’t stop. It’s been a long time since tears poured like that. They generally stay in my eyes for the most part. But I guess, it’s been building up for a while. So, I’m gonna go, see Floyd, see Ricky, and avoid her. Once again.

She tried to reassure me. She tried to tell me that she didn’t mean to hurt me, that it wasn’t her intent. But there’s something missing. It’s just not right. In order for this to be getting in the way, there has to be something else there. I talked to Floyd about it. Floyd is the person I go to with problems now. I sent her the conversation. She agreed with my interpretation (without hearing it first, mind you). Linda doesn’t want to see me. If she doesn’t see me, she doesn’t have to think about me. She doesn’t want to think about me, because it would be too painful. So she’s using Jen as a wall to separate us. And that right there is almost more than I can handle. I know why she’s doing this. I know that it’s because she is afraid to let herself hurt. But in the process, she obviously doesn’t realize how much she is hurting me. Does she have any idea how completely awful it feels to have someone like her not have any desire to see her anymore, out of the blue? After hugging at 3 am, after kissing good-bye, after hearing delicate whispers of “I love you” and “I’ll miss you?” Well, I guess that wasn’t a promise, now was it?

Okay, now I can see her side for a minute. I’m being selfish. She has to save herself. She has enough going on as it is, and she can’t let herself break down over me.

My question: If she can force herself not to feel now, then what is the harm in seeing me? Why can’t we spend time together? Why can’t she at least enjoy my company for an hour or so, and then go back to not thinking about me again? At least to grant me that moment of happiness, so that I’d be able to at least write this entry, and talk about her without constantly having to monitor myself so that I don’t cry in front of my work study boss.

Maybe I’m not being fair. She was willing to do it. I was the one that said no. She said she would have done anything, or suffered anything, to give me the weekend that I wanted, but that if she was hurting, she wasn’t going to hide it.

However, I don’t believe that she would have brought it up if she didn’t expect something to happen.

So, I’m going to just….deal with it.

I’m going to deal with it.

"Who am I to need you now, to ask you why, to tell you no, to deserve your love and sympathy? You were never meant to belong to me."

That's probably the best connection I've ever felt to a song. And the funny thing is, I JUST realized it. It happened to be playing. It was the second time I'd heard it. And I had the urge to quote it as I generally do when I'm listening to music. It just happens to work...