Regrets
Sunday, Nov. 11, 2001 14:00

I'm having a rough time right now. Not right now as in generally, but at this exact moment. In general, I'm good, don't get me wrong. In general, I'm beginning to feel much better about pretty much every aspect of my life. But at this instant, I have tears in my eyes. I will explain why in a moment, first I must take care of something.

I want to express my apology and regret for the negative light I've shined on Linda. I've had about a day to think about this now, and she's right. And I'm sorry. When was the last time I said something good about this girl that I supposedly love so much? I do love her very much, but in that, I've been letting the fact that I miss her take over and my irrational emotions prevail for the world. So, anyone that has been reading this, please don't think badly of her. I'm sorry that I've given you the wrong impression.

Now to my moment of teary-ness. Okay, so yes, it has to do with Linda. BUT, this should not reflect negatively on her AT ALL. This is me, my regrets, my nostalgia and my longing. It's not so much sadness as overpowering emotion that is coming out as warm salty water and redness.

I was reading a letter she wrote to me a little over 2 years ago. She was trying so hard to make things good for me. She was trying so hard to be completely sensitive to me, and ressure me that she did indeed love me, and discuss things that she was dealing with. At the end, this is what she wrote:

"I'm not sure of any of this. I have no way to be. Maybe with a little soul searching, I'll figure out what I want. This isn't the end, I hope. I just have to figure myself out, so do you. I'm sorry about all of this. So incredibly sorry. I love you, somehow, I always will. Those words are complicated, but I know they are true. Please tell me what you need to.

At any rate, we had what we had. Thank you for finding and sharing the very essence of my being with me. I treasured yours.

'and therefore love with doth us bind- but fate so enviously debars- is the conjunction of the mind and the opposition of the stars'"

That second to last mini-paragraph is from my favorite quote by Mary McCoy about intimacy: "Intimacy is the very art of touching another's soul with the tenderest of caresses. It is finding and sharing the very essence of another's being." Then of course, the last part was Shakespeare.

But, that's probably the best thing anyone has every done or said for me. My whole relationship with her was probably in itself, "the best I ever had" to quote vertical Horizon. So to this day, my response to that letter is still my biggest regret. I totally tanked the whole thing. I probably wasn't even nice about it. I think I pretty much just said. yeah, I don't want to be with you. I don't want to be gay. This isn't right. I met a guy in Virginia. This proves I CAN be straight if I want. So, adios chica! Funny that I was so painfully shocked when we didn't speak for 8 months.

I'm sorry babe. I feel like I just keep doing you wrong, over and over and over.

So, yes, it is definitely a nostalgic day. Unfortunately, I don't have that much of my past here with me. I really wish that I did though. So I'll go with what I have, and...I don't know, other than that.