Homesick
Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2001 10:30

I have a craving for maple leaf cookies and natural, chunky peanut butter :-)

The extent to which I can't wait to go home is beginning to wear on me. It is kind of painful to know that I could be going home today, and that I'm not. Tomorrow I'm going to Betsey's, so that should ease some of this sudden homesickness, but I really would rather be going home. At first I was excited. I thought it would be cool. But I also didn't think about the fact that everyone would be going home, except for me, and that my friends would all be there, waiting for me. It's okay though, I still have 2 full days at home, after the holiday. It's gonna be okay.

As for stuff going on here, my main problem is this: I am jealous. I've always been a little wary of becoming friends with people that already have friends with them, when I am in a new place. Joining a group of people that are already close can be a lot more difficult than starting a new group of friends. Well, that's what I did with Lauren and Kim. I love Lauren and Kim to death! At first I was worried that they would leave me out, but they didn't, and for that, I was grateful. Very very grateful. They've been good. And although they were closer to each other than they were to me, it was okay, because I wasn't ready to be close to them either. But now things are different. I'm getting to the point where I am getting to know them better, and I want them to be closer to me. But since they already had each other, and they are already best friends, I can't get that. They are much more important to me than I am to either of them. That is definitely to be expected. I'm not blaming either one of them. But I'm getting very jealous.

For a long time in my life, I didn't have best friends. All I ever wanted was to be somebody's priority. I wanted to be that important to someone. For a long time I didn't have that. And when I met Linda, and we became friends, she changed all that for me. Since then, I've had this amazing group of friends that are always there for me. I love them all more than any of them can imagine. And I would be there for any of them in any way that I possibly can. So, at times, I can just think about them, and it makes me feel better. But at times, I can think of them and it makes me cry. And most of the time, when I am here, I miss not only them, but the relationships I have with them. I feel like I need that in my life. I need to be close to people, and have them give to me as much as I give to them. Kim and Lauren have a similar relationship, and since it was already established, I can't possibly ever be a part of that, and I'm jealous, because once again, but for the first time in a long time, I am giving a LOT more than I am receiving, and I just want to be somebody's priority.

Sometimes I feel that when it's just me and Lauren, or just me and Kim. But when I am with both of them, I just sort of tag along. Sometimes I almost feel like I am interrupting the way they interact. And a lot of the time, especially by Lauren, I feel almost ignored. I'm not saying this harshly, or accusingly. It's not their fault, I don't believe. And I don't believe that it is mine either. It is just really hard for me sometimes.

So, today is going to be a long day. Tomorrow will probably be even longer. Thursday will probably be just as long, and then the next three days after that will be painfully short.

My eyes are teary. I'm homesick, for the first time in my life.

....and hungry