Where did I go???
Friday, Nov. 30, 2001 22:43

I am discovering the downfalls of being unselfish: getting screwed over repeatedly.

exhibit A) Although I rarely have an opinion on things of a social nature, and I don't generally care what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing SOMETHING, with someone that I want to be doing the something with, and we're not breaking any of my predetermined morals or guidelines, there are times when I do want to be doing things. Being of a trampleable nature creates an environment for me in which I don't get to do what I want very often. People get used to things being a certain way. Then I ask to do something, and have no voice. Sure, I have independence. Sure, I can do things on my own, but you know what? I'd like people to be unselfish for me too sometimes.

exhibit B) I do tend to tell my friends what is going on in my life. I do tend to bitch about the latest outrageous thing. But I don't dwell on it. I don't ask for sympathy. I don't cry to people easily. I don't take up their attention. And I don't generally need that. But what about the times when I do? What about the times when I'm having a shitty day and I need someone to listen? In a relationship where I am the one that listens, how do I shift to needing the listening? And even if I do manage to make the shift, how do I not feel bad about being so selfish?

I'm the only one who has to live in my skin.

But does that make a difference? Well, it did for a while, but here, things are different. I feel like I'm on eggshells. I feel like I NEED to be completely selfless in order to develop a friend that will eventually let me be selfish. What? That doesn't even make sense to me...

exhibit C) None of my needs are being met right now. I'm just sort of clinging to a mixture of things from my past, present and future. I'm not being honest with myself, or with anyone else. But I don't know where that honesty is, or how to find it anymore. In my life right now, who I am has become much less important than anything else. My needs are sub-everyone else's. I barely even acknowledge that my needs exist most of the time. I'm bound to burn out eventually.

So...I don't know anything really (except how to prove that A&B,-B equals -A, and other academic things)