I'm hurt
Tuesday, Dec. 18, 2001 14:06

"But as for now, I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit around and wonder how you're making out. But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone making out."

I needed today very much. It's not that I'm dependent on Floyd. It's just that I miss her. And I miss having good conversations with her. So, in writing this, I'm going to hope that she doesn't read. I'm fairly sure that she doesn't. But lately things have been difficult. I don't understand anything that is happening in my life. I don't understand what I'm supposed to want or need anymore. So today I was going to go after crt and talk to her for a while. But it was a snow day. What are the odds? And not only can I not go today, but this is the last week that there is school, so this is the last possible week and I can go. And considering that I have to work every day from either early afternoon to late at night or from early morning to early evening, there are no more afternoons to spend at an LSG meeting.

So I thought that if I wrote to her, that she might make an effort. I thought that she'd offer to hang out some other time. Ha ha. Why? Me- 18-year-old head case, Her- 30-year-old with her own life, and her own problems. So not only should I not be forcing her to worry about it, but I shouldn't be expecting that I'm anything more than the 18-year-old. If there's one thing I should have learned by now, it is this: DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING.

Bah.

And it's not just that. It is snowing. This means that I have to shovel. I HATE shoveling. This also means that I can't drive anywhere. And I don't want to be alone today. But we're all snowed into our fucking houses. Linda's my only hope. But it's the kind of day where I don't want to ask anyone to do anything. I want to be asked.

"So kiss me hard, 'cause this will be the last time that I let you."

I'm working all day tommorrow, then going to Gorham. I miss Noah. I hope he can spare a few minutes to hang out and talk to me. I feel like it is a crime to say that I miss him. I feel like friends will be jumping all over me. But you know what? It's me! Nobody knows how it is but me. Why can't they respect me in that way?

I miss Maggie a lot too. I wish she was coming to Maine for Christmas. But she doesn't really have much of a reason to.

Why am I so depressing?

Because I'm hurt. Hahaha, I'm hurt by the fucking snow! I want to destroy it! I'm going crazy....But hey! My QPA (same as a GPA) is 3.75...so that's good. Who knows...today could turn itself around...

*suspiro*

"And this apartment is starving for an argument, anything at all to break the silence"

So, if you're reading this, and you have nothing better to do, give me a call, come over, LOVE ME! I'll be here (unless I'm outside shoveling, in which you should help....or unless someone beat you to the task of taking care of me...hahaha, not likely)