Vacation?
Saturday, Dec. 22, 2001 12:15

I am really hard on myself for really ridiculous things. At the moment, I'm upset with myself for sleeping so late. And for having gone to bed so late. I was completely exhausted last night. But I didn't go to bed until around midnight. I don't know why. But I'm really angry about it. So it's noon, and I haven't left my bedroom yet. mmhmm, I just got up. And I hate getting up this late. I feel like absolute crap. Ten is good. I could get up at ten with no problems. Eight is perfect, but I'm usually too tired. But today I got up at noon.

I had Tuesday off this week, but let's look at how it has gone since then:

Wed- worked from 8:30 until 5:45. Then I drove to Gorham (using up gas and toll money), hung out in Aaron's room with him for 2 hours while he was being sick and tired and very un-Aaron, and then got kicked out to apparently show me my place in the scheme of things.

Thurs- got up at 5:30, showered, went to see Floyd. Things were cool. We were talking about stuff. It has been so long since I have been honest with anyone. I mean, completely, pouring myself out, honest. I'm constantly guarding myself from someone. And I don't know why. I was hoping to let a little bit of that go with Floyd. And she was being honest with me, but then Jocelyn came in, and didn't stop talking for the next half hour. I wanted to punch her. THEN, I went home, and slept until noon! Go me! Then I went to work from 1-11, and got home around midnight. Gotta love that!

Fri- and I especially loved it, since I had to be back at work at nine on Friday! I was way too tired to be nice to strangers. It was not good. And we were INSANELY busy. And they made me feel bad, so I stayed an extra hour. When I got home, I just sat here for an hour, unable to move. Then I had to get my butt in gear and go to the messiah sing with my mom. That was cool. But I kind of feel like an idiot. I sort of have a crush on a girl that I've seen twice. I know her last name, and what college she goes to, but that's pretty much it. She's the daughter of one of the women my mom sings with. And I'm not sure why I'm so drawn to her. She's not very attractive. I don't know what it is. But it is. ANYWAY, then I got home, went to bed around midnight...

Sat- ...and slept until noon! Today I'm working from 3-9:30. Then I will come home and....do nothing! I will be wishing I hadn't gotten up at noon, especially since I have to work at eight tommorrow morning, and going to bed early tonight will be a challenge.

Sun- work from 8-2. Come home. Go Christmas Caroling, if I can possibly muster the energy to do so. Then I will probably do nothing once more, since it is the only chance I will have to really do nothing.

Mon- Sleep in (most likely too late) and work from noon until 6:15 (or however late they decide to keep me) so that I can then rush home to make it to church just in time. Then there's all that Christmas eve stuff. Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. I hope I don't feel so pissy then. That would be awful.

Tues- Christmas. Family gathering, and traditional movie...that's it.

Wed- Day off! Whoa! Unprecedented! Denny's with Ricky, I think.

And I'm not going to go any further. Let's just say this "vacation" could not be any less vacation-like. Yes, I'm pissy. Yes, I'm extremely unhappy. But I don't know what I want. I want to be hanging out with my friends, I guess. I don't even know how I feel about going back to school. The last week I was there really really sucked. So, that would lead me to feel like I don't want to go back. This in itself is really bothering me. I don't know. I feel like I'm not happy with my life right now at all. I want it to be the way it was last year, when I was very content. All I want is happiness now, and it's very rare that I get even a moment of it.

So, I don't even get my vacation to hang out with people. And the worst part is, I have a sneaking suspicion that they don't give a shit anyway. How many of them would actually be bothered by not seeing me? Katie would be. Other than that....eh. And while I'm here, having a rotten time, I can't even look forward to going back to school and having a good time, because lately I've been miserable there. I just have to keep telling myself, it's a new quarter, I need to do something with it. I can make it better. It's a great school, in a great place, and I can't just sit around like a lump.

This is too long anyway. Time to venture out into the house...