Abrazos y otras cosas
Tuesday, Dec. 25, 2001 01:54

I always wonder exactly how long a hug is supposed to last. There are certain hugs that I am totally okay with ending quickly, but sometimes I want to prolong it, and am not sure whether it is me that is continuing the hug, or both of us. I get a little self conscious. I wonder if the person I'm hugging wants me to let go, but isn't pushing me away just yet because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I feel like that when I'm cuddling with people too. When I lay my head on someone's shoulder even...I can't leave it there, because I wonder if they are thinking bad things about it. For me to be able to spend a prolonged amount of time completely cuddled with someone, they have to have made it very clear that the cuddling is invited. I can't just lay back on someone while we are watching a movie or someone. But when the situation is reversed, I am constantly hoping that they will lay on me. I love it. I love cuddling! But I always feel so damn self-conscious.

Linda's hugs are my favorite, followed by Aaron's. Hugging Linda isn't always clear, whether it is prolonged simply because I want it to be or whatever. But laying with her is. She tends to invite me to cuddle. Sometimes she doesn't initiate it herself, but she will invite it most of the time. With her, if I feel uncomfortable, it is more likely because I am trying to be careful. She said something like this a few days ago: "That's so cute! You're being all careful!" Leave it to Linda to stick in some condescension. But trust me, in this particular situation I HAD to make a point to be extra careful, for several reaons. However, I will respect her privacy and not explain why.

With Aaron, we just don't really cuddle. It's almost like he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. It's irritating, actually. So, although we both enjoy hugging each other, anything else even mildly prolonged makes me very very uncertain.

Ok, enough cuddle-analysis.

Merry Christmas!

I gave Linda her "gift" tonight. It was nothing really. I didn't have money. I gave her a calling card, but don't want her to use it to call me. I want her to call me, of course, but if she uses it to call me, I will feel like I've obligated her to do so, and that would DEFEAT THE PURPOSE (hahaha, long stupid argument we had tonight, don't ask, that was for her benefit, should she read this). I wrote her a letter. I tend to shy away from written, non-prompt letter-type things with her though. She tends not to give me any response at all. I HATE that. I hate it when I put a lot of thought into something and get no reaction. So, if I have something to say, I try to at least tell her on IM, so she has to say something back. But, I don't know. I guess this time there's not much to say. I would have liked to see or hear her reaction to it, but I guess it wasn't really earth-shattering stuff. Just memories, and an explanation of her sheer importance in my life as nothing more than her being Linda. I feel like I've been unfair to her, and that's I've been really hypocritical, and just...not what I say I want to be.

She said in her blog that I'm not good right now. I don't know if she meant that things with me aren't or whether she meant that I'm not being what she wants me to be right now or whether she meant that I'm having issues right now. I wish she'd say something to me. I hate communicating with her like this. We've fallen into this trap in the past. But what can I say? I do it. I say things here hoping that she will read them.

Eh.

So yeah, it's Christmas. We'll see how it goes, I guess. I felt like I was in an episode of "Boy Meets World" tonight. Shawn's Dad had been laid off, so he wasnt' getting much for Christmas. Cory was getting a ton of stuff. Cory came home from school one day and started talking about how he was going to brag to Shawn. Then Cory's Dad explained that Shawn wasn't getting much for Christmas, and that Cory should be sensitive to that.

Well, I have never gotten a ton. My parents don't believe in spoiling us with material possessions. But this year is even different from that. My parents ARE FLAT BROKE. My brother's family is FLAT BROKE. They're all borrowing money from my grandmother, whom has too many grandchildren to buy for anyway, and on my dad's side, the family is expanding so fast that my Nana has had to cut down her spending. So, all of this means that I am getting VERY LITTLE for Christmas. This was okay with me. I am the least materialistic person that I know, in fact. Because I've had to be for my entire life. I've always just said that it was okay. That materials are not important anyway.

Well...I guess it just changes somehow when I come across someone that all of that is important to. And tonight, I started to feel very poor, and very very hurt by Linda shaking her presents and pointing out the money that she is certain is enough to buy a VCR to go with the TV her parents already got her. Just another reminder of my ongoing burden on my parents, and the fact that all $50 I got from various relatives tonight has to be spent on books and such. A reminder of the reason that I'm not getting a vacation, and that instead, I am working constantly. A reminder of the fact that asking for movies I wanted for Christmas was my only hope of getting them because I cannot spend money on myself and not feel like an asshole, because I know that my mom isn't.

It's not Linda's fault. I'd be excited too. And why should anyone have to watch what they say around they're friends? It's not like she insulted some major sore spot in my life.

aight, this is too long. I'm done.