The he/she's and him/her's
Sunday, Jan. 20, 2002 09:55

If there is one thing in the world that I will never understand it is myself. I simply cannot fathom why I react to things with emotions that I could have never predicted. This is my situation at the moment:

I came home entirely for ME (as in myself, not Maine...although that was a part of it too). I wanted to find some time somewhere that could be all about the simple pleasures of life. I thought maybe if I had that time added to a little home-cooked food, some snow, the cold Maine air, and a few very relaxed one-on-one excursions with friends, I would be cool. And it, in fact, has not been a bad experience. I don't know if I will come away as a changed person. I don't know if I will, perhaps, be glad I came home. That is still to be decided in the next two days. But, here is a look into my present emotional state.

When I was home for Christmas break, I had a really painful experience with a really good friend. It made the rest of my break with this friend very tense. I was unable to enjoy myself with him or her because I was thoroughly disgusted with myself as well as the person. Since I have been back at school, it has carried over to an extent. I have not had much of a desire to have any contact with this person. And when I have talked to him or her, it has been entirely unfulfilling. I can remember a specific conversation we had about a week (maybe more) ago, where there were things I wanted to talk about. Things that were going on in my life that I would have talked about with this person without flinching. And I tried to talk to him or her, and he/she was just not listening.

And then I came home. Usually when I come home, I am fairly enthusiastic to spend time with him/her. This time I wasn't. I didn't really care whether I saw him/her at all. But I never once thought that this person wouldn't be desperate to see me. So in discovering that it is likely that we won't see each other, I was crushed. My thoughts: "How DARE he/she blow me off? How DARE he/she not be desperate to see me?" When frankly, I was completely leaving him/her out of the picture, hoping that he/she would call and I would have to say: "Oh, I'm sorry, I already have plans."

I don't know, perhaps this is a normal response. Humans want somebody to put up a fight for them...want someone to care about them. But It certainly makes me feel, not only like shit because it is occurring, but like an asshole for being so completely selfish...

...although I DID tell this person that I wanted to hang out at some point, and he/she has no reason to think that I'm not excited about see him/her.

Bah, whatever.