Back and Forth
Tuesday, Jan. 22, 2002 09:53

So, after my weekend home, I now feel like I am slowly settling back into a routine that I hate. I am dreading the direction that my life is heading in. I can see it now. I get up in the morning. I go to either class or work. I go to some more classes (or work some more). I try to find people to have meals with. I write letters to my friends at home, or at their respective schools. I check my mail anxiously. I sometimes think that I'm doing okay. but most of the time I feel anxious, alone, and like I am completely wasting my time. I wish that I was out finding something fun to do. But in the end, I sit on my bed, compter in lap, feeling like crap.

It's almost worse that I have my computer back I think, sometimes. Because the image of me relying on it so much rather disgusts me.

And I feel so very anxious.

Jackson came over yesterday, and talked for like an hour. This is simply something he doesn't do. But what I have noticed about him is that when he wants to talk, he wants to talk, and it's nearly impossible to get a word in. So, he went on and on about school, about his plans, about...his life. And I tried to talk about mine. But eh. My mom was pleased I think. So that's good.

The highlight of my weekend: well, one of two things. Either talking to Floyd online and laughing my ass off, or playing cards with my mom and kicking her butt. I love it. I hadn't played cards for a long time. I requested to do so.

My mom should be sending me a care package soon.

On the bus last night, I was missing Noah a LOT. He told me that he was going to call this weekend. I knew that he wouldn't, and during the weekend, I didn't even think about the fact that he had said that. I wish he had though. Now I definitely won't see him until March, and probably not even then. I wonder if I will ever spend time with him again.

So I'm wondering what would help me. I don't know how to make myself feel better really. I don't feel as intensely bad as I felt when I came back after Christmas. And since I haven't even really talked to anyone yet, I can't say much for how things are going or are going to go. But hopefully I will get a call from the counseling center soon. Hopefully I can meet with someone who I can talk to, someone that can help me figure out the source of all of this BS.

I want to visit Maggie.

If I could have made a list of people to spend this past weekend with, it would have been this: Maggie, Floyd, Katie, Tiffany and Amanda. Well, Maggie was busy, Floyd is relatively inaccesable when there's no school, I DID see Katie, and that was cool. I had a nice time with Tiffany that was kind of spoiled a little by other things. And my Amanda is in Korea. So, that's 2 for 5. And not even 2, like 1.5. But I'm not saying it was bad. It wasn't a bad weekend.

Oh, and my mom. And I did spend a lot of time with her, so that helps.

okay, done whining.