Hating the World
Sunday, Jan. 27, 2002 22:52

Okay, I can NOT handle constantly being second. Aaron once told me that i'm the only friend he has that gives more than they take from him. To me, that was a compliment. I also thought that it meant something. There are times with Aaron that are wonderful. There are times where he is the only person I want to be talking to. There are times when he is so completely there for me that I could cry. And then there are times like this. For the last month...actually, a little over a month. I have come in second to a number of things. Some of these being: Serena (but everyone is always second to her), alcohol, Misty (but she even gets her own survey category. She is special. She's someone that he can talk to....or some shit), Sleep (bah! That was frustrating), hormones and therefor Tiffany, Forgetfulness, Miss Teen Maine, Neopets, and, oh, I don't know, there are probably more things.

He's making me feel like CRAP!! I just want to talk to him. I just want things to be good. But it's not about me right now. He doesn't need me, I guess. I guess that when he said the above, he said it meaning this: "Emily, I like you because you listen to my shit, and help me out and I don't have to do anything for you in return." well, that's where he's wrong. He doesn't have to do a lot. And yes, I will listen to his shit. And I won't even call it shit. But I just want a friend!

Why can't he just see that? Why can't he just be my friend??? How much effort do I have to make? I HATE it when people don't respond for a while, then I ask them something and they brb me, and then they never come back. I hate that.

It seems that nobody has any fucking consideration for me lately. Nobody cares when I want to eat dinner, or when I want to hang out. They don't care when I need to talk, or what music I want to listen to. They don't even give a shit that they were the ONLY people I hung out with for 3 months, and that I might be pretty FUCKED over when they completely DESERT me!!

So, right now I'm dealing with a lot. I've just had a realization about Noah (which I'm not going to go into at this particular moment), I have school, I have all this free time which is making me go MAD, I am away from any semblance of comfort, Linda and I seem to have nothing to say to each other anymore, I want to visit Maggie more than anything, and she's busy (but not too busy for Floyd), and most of my life can be summarized with this statement: Everything is flipped around, mixed up and beaten unrecognizable, and I am too fucking weak to fix it. Especially when someone that I count on, someone that I love, someone that gives the best hugs of anyone I know isn't even there for me.

Why can't you just fucking be there???

...and the worst part is that I know that if he were to read this (which he won't), he would be really angry with me for "bitching at him." And never once would be consider the fact that sometimes it's not just bitching. Sometimes it's just a girl having a bad day that needs him a hell of a lot more than he needs her. And that fucking hurts.