Knowing Me
Saturday, Feb. 02, 2002 00:18

I like to think aloud. Friday and Saturday nights in 125 are good for that. I can spend an hour or so online, listening to music, and singing at the top of my lungs before I get too tired to stay up any longer. Then I can go to bed and think aloud for a while. I think about who I am, what in my life is important, any thoughts I have. It's good to work them out. So, I lay there, and I talk to myself, and it is very theraputic.

On this particular occasion I've had a few interesting thoughts: I've been trying to break down the nature of the people that I am naturally attracted to. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of it isn't natural at all. A lot of my attraction which seems natural is indeed not very natural at all. I base my criteria so heavily on intellectual things that I don't really allow any natural emotion to come out. That is why I am always struggling with what is real and what is not. It is rare that anyone on the outside gets to see a raw emotion. I am very guarded. I am open. I will discuss things, but I will not reveal myself. Often, I won't even reveal myself to myself.

So these people...I'm attracted to them primarily only if I am allowed to be. I was thinking about a hypothetical conversation I might have with a female friend someday. I was thinking about what it would be like to explain to someone what it was to be in the position that I am in. In this converstaion, the person I was talking to might ask if I was attracted to them. I would say no. Then they would ask if I was attracted to any other of my female friends. The answer again would be no, with one exception. Then I began to think about where that comes from. I'm simply not allowed to be attracted to some of my female friends. There are friends whom I often admire for their beauty. There are certain times when I think Katie or Serena or anyone really is completely gorgeous, but I don't have any active interest in pursuing them. Because I'm not allowed to.

With Linda, I was definitely allowed to be interested. I was allowed to be more than interested. I was allowed to be involved. And that has made me always look at her in a different light, I think. So that even now, when I see her, I am very much attracted to her. It isn't all the time. There are times with I look at her and feel nothing. But then there are moments when she radiates. She does have a beautiful face. If anyone denies that, than they are either trying too hard to be straight, or they are blind. Or perhaps they have just never looked long enough to see what is there, in her eyes, in her lips, in her everything. And she has moments when that is all that is attractive about her. But then she has days where that is only the beginning. What causes these different days? Is it me, or is it truly her?

Perhaps I have gone too far. Perhaps I am just needy. and (spoken like Linda herself) when I say needy, I mean horny.

I wonder if I'm shocking anyone with this. If I'm shocking you with any of this, sign my guestbook and let me know. That is, if you aren't afraid of me knowing. I always wonder who I know in real life will sumble across something I have written and see something new, something fresh, something real. And I wonder how they see it. I wonder if they see me as a beautiful person with many layers, or if they see me as dishonest. Or...I don't know.

What really makes a person? Whose image of them is what is important? Allow me to quote Maggie: "It doesn't matter how anyone else sees you. You are the only one that has to live in your skin."

Am I the only one that knows what I'm like?

Ah, how I wish people could get inside here with me sometimes! I just want to share it all! Or at least have people that are interested in taking it all in. As much as I am interested in taking all that they have in.

There's just only so much that you can explain.

And now it's time for bed. I wish I had someone to cuddle up with. But for tonight, my blankets, pillows, Wrinkles and my memories will do just fine :-)

Have a great weekend!

...and please don't be shy, sign my guestbook if you have any reactions to things I have written over the past 7 months here on diaryland, especially if you know me, but definitely even if you don't.