Beauty of Emotion
Saturday, Feb. 09, 2002 21:41

I miss my friends sooooo much today!!!!

I am having the most emotional day humanly possible. Well, it would be, if given the opportunity to be.

I saw "A walk to remember" today. It wasn't amazing. It wasn't really that good at all. But I LOVED it. I loved every second of sitting there in the big beautiful Boston Common movie theater all alone. I can't reveal too much about the movie, obviously, nor do I want to, but let's just say that I cried a LOT. Wow...I haven't felt like this in a long time. It reminds me about why I love emotions so much.

I love movies about high school. I love them now even more so than before, because I've been there. And because movies are so incredibly unrealistic. And it makes me think about things.

The only other time I cried during a movie was "Save the Last Dance." It was late in my very own living room, and I had seen it twice before. But, I was incredibly lonely, stressed, and sad. I was dealing with a lot and needed something to push me over the edge. I'm not sure why this movie made me cry. I guess just because I am at such a different place in my life than I have been when I have seen movies in the past.

In the past, movies have been the fall-back. When in doubt, we rent a movie, go the movies etc. I can remember so many rides home from Lewiston in the car with friends where I have been completely on an emotional high from a movie. And this is exactly the type of movie that does it to me.

And that brought on all kinds of other crazy emotions. I walked home and tears made their way back into my eyes a couple of times. And it felt good in a way.

Last night I had a conversation with Robin and Jeff about personalities and finding yourself. And I have no doubt that taking time off to find myself isn't the thing for me to do. But I'm definitely going through my own period of discovery. I am having so much trouble figuring out where I am. It all seemed so easy before. And now I am finding myself bending to fit with different people. I am different now depending on who I am with. And that's just not cool. I find myself questioning which version is the real me.

My low was when I caught myself lying to some people about my interests the other day, because I thought it would impress them. I regret that more than I can say.

I hate that I am not just being me. Being me is all there is. I value my ability to be me more than anything. But right now, "me" is so undefined.

I am a weak person. I depend on the people around me to figure out who I am. I don't have a vibrant wonderful personality all on my own. I respect people like Beck and Robin so much for being so strong, for having so many convictions, for being confident, for not letting themselves get mushed together by the people around them, for having so much character that people like me respect them.

I just want to take a little survey. I want all my closest friends to tell me what it is about me that makes me the person that they love, because I just don't know anymore. And perhaps more importantly, I want to know what the people I have formed relationships with here see.

...and yet...NONE OF THAT MATTERS. Because I am me. And that can only be defined by what is inside me.

And I guess I just sound like a typical 18-year-old. "Everybody goes through this"

But there are a few things tonight that I do know.

I love my mom.

I love Tiffany (and our 2.5 hour phone conversation today, and how we saw "center stage" together and then rode home gushing about it). I love Karin (and how we used to play princesses in church). I love Linda (and how it good her pedestal can feel). I love Floyd (and how lucky I am to have found such a wonderful mentor and friend). I love Maggie (and how she reminds me constantly of the power of family and human connections). I love Katie (and how I can't imagine a time in life when she wouldn't be there for me). I love Aaron (and how sometimes there is nothing in the world that can be substituted for a hug fom him). I love Beck and Robin and Katie and Christina and Casey and Jeff and Kristen and Lauren and Kim and Stu and all of my NU family for everything they have added to my little sheltered community.

It's sometimes hard to be the little girl from Maine in the big city.

But when there is this much to love, this much emotion to feel and this much to look forward to, then the tears are most certainly tears of love, tears of pure beauty, tears of thankfulness.

I wish I could just wrap everybody up in my blankets with me. I wish I could just hold my entire world in my arms and feel that comfort forever.

I miss everyone soooo much!

And if you have every enjoyed a mushy, romantic girly movie, then see "A Walk to Remember." I can't promise you'll love it. I'm biased, I guess. But see it anyway. And maybe you'll have an experience like mine.