Sleepless emotion
Friday, Feb. 22, 2002 17:09

I'm sorry.

I've been told countless times throughout my life that I have nothing to be sorry for. This time, very much like most of the other times, I do not believe that. I do not see how this situation could be looked at so that I didn't have something to apologize for. Hormones are strong. Hormones happen. But hormones are not, by any means, the main cause of behavior. No matter how badly I feel something, how badly I feel it, I maintain rationality. I know what is going on. I know what I should and shouldn't do. And it bites me from behind when I begin to think that what I feel is more important that what I think. This is bad. This is very bad. Because what I think is undoubtedly tied to what I will feel later. Which leads me to this morning.

Yikes. Today was a tough morning if I have ever had one.

I have some choices to make. This isn't going to be easy. I am going to cry a lot. But my life is my life. I am me. Things must be as they must be. I don't know what else I can do?

So, when does morning actually start? I'll start with about 3 am, since there are some things that occurred before 3 that I can't bring myself to relate to everyone I know on the internet.

At 3 I realized that I was far too hot to stay in bed. So, I got up and went to the bathroom. It was much cooler in the rest of the apartment, so I left the door open for a bit. I also enjoyed some icy water from the faucet and some time alone to just have a little emotional sneeze. When I got back I was able to relax a little bit more easily. I think I fell asleep, or at least dozed for like a half hour. at 3:30, I heard them both up. The light in the bathroom was on. Then they closed the bedroom door again. But, since I would be getting up soon, it wasn't such a problem. Got up at about 4:30. Got dressed. Was cranky, emotional, bitchy, sarcastic, nauseous, exhausted, and of course guilt-ridden and regretful.

We walked really fast to the train station. I ate a bagel. I shouldn't have, but I did. Fuck me, right? Train ride blew. I don't understand the concept of trying to convince somebody else what is right for them. I am a firm believe in "live and let live." If somebody is going to discover something about his or herself, he or she will. More exhaustion. Yuck.

T ride back to NU was the same. Too blurry really.

came in and went to bed.

Woke up at 9 am....really nauseous. I really thought I was going to vomit. You'd think that I had been drinking all night or something. nah, just the lack of sleep and presence of a bagel. I sat and relaxed on the toilet. Allowed myself a little more emotional sneezing, some seriously deep breaths, some relaxation, and felt okay. So I knew it wasn't physical. I knew that whatever illness I was feeling was anxiety, so I went back to bed and beat the shit out of. Score 1 for Em. (I seem to be calling myself Em a lot lately)

Woke up again when I had meant to. Took a shower, and sat down at the computer. I was hoping that either Rita or Maggie would be on, but didn't really want them to be, since I still had to work out my film presentation. They both were. That's not something I can deal with normally. And certainly not while feeling like I had been run over by a train while being dumped by my husband of 10 years. (wonder why I put husband in there...damn societal effects) BUT, thankfully, they invited me to join their conversation. There we were, Maggie, Rita and me. Talking. Them mostly listening. I had begun my emotional outpouring a few times in my head. I knew what I wanted to say. I said it. They tag-teamed me. It was really overwhelming. And I had to end the conversation. I was crying already, and had to be at class in a half hour. So...we talked about other stuff.

And then Maggie fucking floored me. I was weeping like a baby. I needed tissues. I needed a hug. Very few people can make me cry. Rita is one. Maggie is one. Linda is one. My mom is one. My Dad is one. Jackson is one. Amanda is one. (*note- not all of these people have actually made me cry, but they easily could) Maggie and Rita together. Yeah....wooooosh.

Sometimes I wonder how it is possible.

How anything is possible.

How beauty can exist.

She invited to me nmh too...and...I can't go. *BIG sigh*

And I had to pull myself together for my film presentation. After which I spent the whole class counting the minutes before I could return here and relive the wonderful essence of everything....of crying.

Later I talked to Maggie and Rita again. And Tiff called. And things became wonderful. And things are wonderful. And I don't know what I would do without this. This, right here. This is what makes it all okay.

And I think that this is what is going to give me the strength to do what I have to do. It will take time. But, time is something that I definitely do have.