The Present
Sunday, Feb. 24, 2002 19:26

Heh, Justin cracks me up. He's talking about TJ Maxx, as usual. It's amusing.

So, on the whole, things in my life are really really really good. I'm learning new things about myself. I am becoming quite proud of myself. I am becoming very connected to people. I am becoming disconnected from others. I have things to look forward to, and even better, things to live for now.

I slipped a little today, I admit. There was definitely a lull in the happiness. "But in the end, it doesn't really matter" (Linkin Park). This is something that would normally have me down for quite a while. I would feel terrible, cry, lay on my bed for a couple hours (as I did), listen to depressing music, and drive myself into a pain that was so intense that I would not be able to contain myself. I'd run to the situation and do everything in my power to make it better no matter what the cost. But a little bit of insight struck me a while ago. If my life is good, and there is only one thing in it that could not be described as good, then why on earth should that one thing be running things? I am stressing out about something that I can control. I am stressing about something that doesn't require the conflicting thoughts that I am having. It's quite simple. And I can just let it be. Granted, there are things I still need to work out, but it doesn't matter. It's not worth getting upset over. Nothing that detracts from the quality of my life really is.

Now, onto the wonderful things.

I am really really proud of myself for this. I, the 18 year old student with no real knowledge of life or love or anything at all, have managed to play (and successfully I might add) matchmaker. For the past few days I have been receiving constant thank-yous. I have actually been given attention... woah, just had a pretty important thought....not going to go into it though. ANYWAY, and due to my little match, I have all of these wonderful new things to be excited about. I keep imagining how cool things are going to be now that these two people that I love so very much are able to experience each other. They both deserve this so much! And I'm being a little precocious, but I have even had quite a few thoughts of visiting them, spending weekends with them, as if they are going to actually be a "them" sharing a living space. Hmm. I shouldn't have my hopes up this high. But, to rationalize, I have also considered what I would do in the event of a break-up. Not to say that I would blame myself or be angry at myself for setting them up, but that I would have no idea where to place my loyalties. When two people mean that much to you, what are you supposed to do? Anyway, overall, this is an incredibly exciting thing.

Exciting event #2. The concert last night was amazing. Bats and Mice was amazing. I also loved the Panda Squad, and I DEFINITELY enjoyed Mates of State, even if it was for other reasons. We were standing in the very front for the first two bands. I was so nervous. I must have repeated this about a hundred time: "I'm so pathetic." I really am. I'm a big Wuss. When I was talking to Ben after the show, he explained to my friends that we're a wussy family. That made me feel better. It always feels good to find out something about my family, especially something that I share with my family. But yeah, I didn't want to talk to him, because I didn't know what it would be like. I don't know Ben at all anymore. I didn't know what to say or how to approach it. In my mind, I had likened him to Jackson, whom would be virutally unapproachable in that situation. Jackson is the most cut-off person that I have ever met. We have no relationship. It's pretty rough. So, I guess I was kind of expecting that from Ben, just an awkwardness. But thankfully, that isn't what was there.

Near the end of the performance by Bats and Mice, Kyle came up behind me. He let his hair grow and bleached parts of it. It looked really different. But I didn't really get a good look at him. He told us a little about California. Said that he liked it, liked the warm weather, and now he's all set to be a professional massage therapist. Sounds good to me. He offered Bats and Mice massages even. But yeah, he came late to the show because he got lost. Then he didn't stick around for the last band. So, who knows? It was still good to see him, and be acknowledged. Plus, he's the one that initiated conversation with Ben. We went up and talked to him while he put his equipment away. I was feeling a little lost. I didn't know what to say. And I don't think they really had much to say to me. So, I thought that was it. I thought it was just going to be that little disappointing interaction. Thankfully it wasn't.

Later, Tiff and I were standing around, and he came over and talked to us for a few minutes before Mates of State. That was the ice breaker I think.

Then, on to mates of state. There was the cutest lesbian couple standing right next to me and Tiff. It was inspiring to me. Firstly, the very fact that they were so cute. They didn't even care what was going on. They couldn't keep their hands off each other. They couldn't keep their lips off each other! They just looked so happy. It made me feel good to see them. And second, I was very impressed with the openness. I don't often get to see that. Sure, I know lesbians, but I've never been to a public place where it was completely okay for two women to show their affection for each other so openly. I was very impressed.

On that same train of thought, today was really good with Tiff and Ryan. It made me feel very confident. It is definitely a wonderful thing to be able to spend time with people that are going to accept me, and let me talk about whatever I want to talk about. This was illustrated by my walk back to my dorm from the T after saying goodbye. My instincts were to hide my rainbow stuff, my purple pin, and to stop talking about things the way I had talked about them with Tiff and Ryan. But then I had to coach myself. There is absolutely no reason for me not to maintain the confidence that I have when I'm around them. I am still me. And no matter where you put me, who you put me with, how old I am, or what clothes I decide to wear, I am still me. And I've heard that that's not a bad thing to be.

So, yes. Concert good. I am feeling so family-oriented and loving it so much. I wish my mom could come for my chorus concert next week, but I understand that she obviously can't.

I can't wait until the next concert, March 8th. And I can't wait until spring break, but not in the same way that I couldn't wait for winter break. This time it's all positive, and not just running away from something I don't like. I can't wait until this summer. I can't wait until next year. And the best part is that all of that is a lie. I absolutely CAN wait, because my present is looking pretty good.