Not much missing
Monday, Feb. 25, 2002 18:02

I'm happy with things. I am really pleased with the way that I am handling things. I'm really pleased with some of the things I've found the strength to say and do (or not say and not do) in the past few days. But, self-defining thoughts still flutter around in my head.

I have been trying to figure out if I act much differently around people at school than I do around people at home. In that, I'm also pretty interested in the genuinity of the way I act in different situations. I wonder which me is the accurate me. I wonder if it is okay that I act differently around different people, or whether that is in some way not being true to myself.

So far, I've established that I DO act differently with different friends, definitely. Some of that is comfort. I am more willing to let loose with certain friends than others. I am more careful with some friends. I am more vulgar with some. And I think a lot of it has to do with the way that different people make me feel. I act differently around people because they make me feel differently. Around Beck, I am much more outwardly happy. She brings out the silly, giddy, anything goes feelings in me. And it's not because I feel like I need to pretend that I'm happy around her. She honestly just makes me feel more carefree. Around Tiff and Ryan, I was very very open about whatever it was that I was thinking or feeling. Because that's how things are with them. We talk about unmentionables. Around Katie, I am usually more serious, emotional, mushy. Around Aaron, I am similar, I think. Around Robin, I'm talkative, I tend to try to make myself seem very respectable, but also, I'm very able to express more of what I truly enjoy. And that's valuable. So, I'm not sure what that means. I think that's something I'm going to be able to talk about tomorrow though.

In about a half hour, I will be leaving for my audition. I'm trying to join the accidentals, a new all-girls a capella group. I think I'll get in. And I wouldn't be nervous except that I know the girls that are holding auditions, and that kind of intimidates me a bit. I'm going to sing "The Weakness in Me." I'm sure they will have never heard it.

I miss the days when my mom used to buy obscene amounts of juice for me and Jackson. He used to make it too strong. But I think I used to make a big deal out of it only because I was a pain the ass. I wish I could see the way we were when we were young. I bet I was tough. I was just thinking about the orange juice that Lauren left, and that made me think about juice sitting out. That made me think about the orange pitcher that we used to make juice in. mmm, I love nostalgia. I can still taste the side of the pitcher. I never used to use a cup.

So, yeah, things are very good. I've been talking about a lot of this lately, so it is probably going to be repetitive, but I am happy, so I think they deserve to be mentioned again. Bats and Mice Kicks ass. My family kicks ass. My two favorite people in the world have found each other. I got an A on my other Modern Novel paper. Lauren apologized to me, and now it's looking like we're good. Bats and mice are coming back to Boston in less than two weeks. There are only two more weeks of classes. Tori Amos is awesome (she's playing now; "1000 oceans"). I'm finally seeing things clearly enough to do what I need to do to make my life my own little happy place to be. I have some really wonderful friends. I managed to discipline myself enough to read for 3 hours straight. I have things to do tonight.

In fact, the only thing I'm lacking right now at all is someone romantically, but I'm pretty damn used to that (unfortunately). And who knows? It could happen anytime...well, anytime after I stop being a wuss and get myself into the world.

I'm fighting the urge to check my email. Hehe, it's so much better when you check less often and find that your inbox is full. Ah yes!