Grr Netscape
Thursday, Feb. 28, 2002 16:03

My hair sucks right now. I was standing beside this girl last night in chorus. She had beautiful hair. It made me miss the days when people use to come up to me...people I didn't even know...and tell me that I had beautiful hair.

I'm not feeling very beautiful in any way right now. I did shower today, a step up from yesterday, but I'm wearing comfort clothes. There are days where I can wear an outfit such as I am wearing now, and I simply feel good. I feel warm, comfy, empowered etc. But today, I just feel yucky, very bum-like. Yeah, I feel fat. But I already rambled about that a few entries ago. I feel rather unwanted in any sexual manner. This is something that has been plaguing me lately. This is something that has flickered on and off since about last May. It was something that I didn't have a huge problem with for a while. It was always an issue when I was a bit younger, but it dissipated. And is now back. I think there are reasons for this. In fact, I'm fairly sure that I know what the reasons are, but this is where the public-ness of this diary gets in the way.

I hate netscape. It is doing strange things. But it's not as bad as IE 6.0. My computer HATES IE 6.0, and I can't get it to do much of anything without getting one of those stupid error messages. I am not sure what to do about that. So, for now, netscape it is.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Very very much thinking. All of this self-discovery is fun! Trying to find out constantly what is good for me, what isn't, what I can do to change all of that stuff, what I have the power and strength to do, what I don't. And today, I've even been thinking a lot about people around me. I was given a HUGE shock the other day by a friend. And it's really hard for me to accept. It's coming as one of those events that you are told about, but cannot accept as more than a dream. I keep wondering if the conversation really happened. AND, as a consequence of some recent past events, I am very mistrustful of anything that comes to me as purely new information. Especially new information that changes the way I think or feel about situations and people. So, I'm not even sure if I can fully believe what I was told. I feel so jaded ;-P But, in my case, I guess I just don't trust anyone that has ever done anything to hurt me in the past.

This weekend is the first time my mom hasn't made it to a major concert of mine. Yikes! It's going to be strange for me. I'm not sure if it is going to be difficult. I almost doubt it. I'm strong, and I tend to not let things like this bother me. Plus, I'm grown up now (even if not entirely) and I can't expect my Mom to be everywhere I am. It just seems weird because I keep expecting her to be there, and then I have to remind myself that she won't. But we will be connected. We will be singing at the same time, in our respetive concerts. I can think of her.

I miss her, and my Dad too. But not in a way that is making me sad. Same thing with home in general. I miss home, but I am not homesick at all. It's a really good feeling, of love, of comfort, of having something to miss.

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -Annie

I am now working on making plans for next weekend's concert. So far Lauren and Beck are coming. I think Tiffany will come. If I can play the cd for Robin and she likes it, then she will come. I told Casey that she should come, but she probably won't. Maybe I can get Katie and Christina to come. Maybe Kyle will come. Maggie said she'd be there. And then I'm thinking about going to the Retallacks' afterwards for a nice relaxing weekend before I have to take finals. I feel like I'm forgetting something, but if so, it matters not.

Allow me to repeat, I hate netscape! It is seriously being weird, jumping around. ack! Eh, time for more reading. There's little I love more than what it feels like to be truly into a book.

"I feel so light.
This is all I want to feel tonight.
I feel so light.
Tonight and the rest of my life."

-Nina Gordon