A Smattering
Saturday, Mar. 02, 2002 22:45

I love Alanis Morissette.

However, I am waiting to become violently ill. I got some nantucket nectars apple juice. I drank half of it in one gulp. Thought it tasted weird, but I had been eating food, so I assumed that it was taste interference. I took a sip a few minutes later. It's bad. I smelled it. yeah, disgusting. If I puke, I'm not going to be happy.

....although at least that way I wouldn't feel like crap about all the shit I just ate.

I DO NOT FEEL GOOD AT ALL.

My mom didn't wish me luck for my concert tonight. I think she may have forgotten. And that hurts. And the concert was bs. It was crap. It was nothing. I didn't feel anything.

There is a phenomenon in movies that I've always wished was real. Soundtracks. I love how music just sort of plays to set the scene. It is so telling. And it can be sad, uplifting, happy, romantic, scary etc. So, I love sitting in a room full of people with headphones on. It's like a soundtrack is put to my thoughts. I was doing that tonight. Listening to my new Alanis cd. I didn't want to listen to the whole thing, so I picked a song to familiarize myself with, randomly. I chose track 7. It's amazing. I haven't even listened to the whole cd yet, and I've pretty much deemed this my favorite song on the cd. It's sad, as are all of her songs for the most part, and it just made me think. Not because of the lyrics directly, but because of the song's mood, and my mood.

I just haven't been in a great mood today. Good things happened to me, things that would ordinarily make me float, and I'm not feeling much.

I want a hug.

I want someone of my very own!!!

I have been way too jealous lately. It's this constant feeling of being left out because I'm so far away. And I don't know how to make it go away.

Eating junk is not the thing to do when you're feeling bad about yourself.

I'm definitely having a low self-esteem day. I got the dork award at chorus tonight. Way to go! Honor me for not missing any rehearsals! Sure, make me feel like a loser with nothing else to do but go to chorus. I was the first to walk on stage after intermission. I was nervous. My hair looked bad. This morning at lunch, I felt really dumb around the people I ate with. I was classifying myself in the eyes of my fellow musicians today. It wasn't pretty. I just don't know.

I've been saying that a lot today.

I just don't know.

Not sure what's wrong. My face is still positive. I don't feel that bad. It's just this whole inner stomach area yuck.

DAMNIT, I want my apple juice??? Why did it have to be bad??????

DAMNIT I want Linda.

You have no idea how close I came to not letting that come out. Honesty is good though. Honesty is good. And I don't mean that sexually. I mean that in the context of wanting someone to hug and talk to. I also want Floyd, Maggie, Aaron, Tiffany, Amanda.

Lauren and I are watching a movie in a bit. I wish we were more like my friends at home. I want a hug and cuddle and comfort session.

My room is a mess. I'm a mess. Tomorrow is going to be a cleansing day. I will try to work a little bit, although I don't know how realistic that prospect is. I need to do laundry, clean up the room, do my dishes, maybe go to gym to make my body feel a little better. I think I might have some homework to do, although now that i say that, I'm not sure that's true at all. I do have more reading today. I didn't really read at all today.

I'm weird. Because I dont' like to sleep in. Because of many things. Because I don't have a crowd to identify with at all. Because I don't like soda. Because I don't like to do any of the things that college life is based on.

And that's usually okay. I don't mind. I am a dork. And that's okay. But not today. Today I feel a little branded.

And I miss my mom.