Not Feeling like expressing
Monday, Mar. 11, 2002 23:36

I just got back from AfterHours. Tonight they were showing "A League of Their Own." It's a great movie. So Robin and I hauled our butts over there in the cold. Jeff joined us for a bit too.

I've gotten myself into a very bad emotional position. I've been reading old stuff about Linda, in a search for romantic and happy nostalgic stuff. But it was really a bad idea. I'm at the point where I want to have one of these conversations, like the ones i Have saved. I want to run to her with open arms and tears in my eyes and apologize for being so selfish and unfair, and irrational. But I can't do that. And I'm sure she doesn't care either way. I just have to keep telling myself all of this. The reason I only have a few conversations saved is because it is that rare that they occur. When the bad outweighs the good, it isn't worth it. The very fact that she doesn't care is also good enough reason. She's not going to be hurt by my sudden disappearance. She's angry with me. Then she will turn it all inside out and start hating me, and never once let herself actually feel what I am. So, I know that that's what I need to do...to make it okay for myself.