Happy to Sad
Wednesday, Mar. 13, 2002 21:20

All Day:

Rita (out to lunch)

Maggie (on the phone)

hmm, a little suspicious, if you ask me!

I was just walking back from survivor night in Jeff's room. Maaan. I DO NOT GET IT. I want to freak out to someone. I don't get it...any of it. As I was saying...I was walking back from Jeff's. I was soo feeling good. Feeling soo good (either way) and realizing much. Realizing all this stuff about how much better things are right now than they have been in a long time. There are people in my life right now that I feel completely comfortable being myself with. I find myself being a lot more likeable...more witty, amusing, cute, interesting, outgoing, talkative, confident. I like the way things are in my life right now. And then, all of a sudden, I start to feel a little worse, and a little worse, until I want someone to freak out to.

Part of it came from, I think, the fact that my plans were interrupted slightly. It's not that I care. I don't mind that my plans couldn't go down exactly how they were supposed to. I think it was just a little blip on the radar screen of my night that resulted in a little fall off the golden wire that I was dancing high upon. Yeah, and I'm tired. And a little dehydrated, I think. PLUS, I came to a conclusion. It's one that I have reached in the past, and has bothered me just as much. The fact that there are so many people in this world that I care SO much about...people that I would go out of my way to find out about, to find out how their day went. And a lot of the time, these people are not concerned about mine. I do not wish to be more self-absorbed. In fact, I like the fact that I'm NOT self-absorbed (although I can be when I need to be). I just sometimes wish that I could be the center of someone's unverse, like they are in mine.

A lot of this boils down to my loneliness. I would really like to meet someone, to be with someone. I seem to have surrounded myself with a lot of romantic stuff lately. I love it. I always have loved it. And generally speaking, reading about how much a couple is in love, or what they are doing is okay with me. It doesn't depress me. And I guess it's still not. But the reason I'm throwing myself into these things now is that it gives me a vicarious moment of romantic joy. And right now, I want it SO badly. I've felt like this before, gone months with no satisfaction. And I'm not expecting any satisfaction now. I'm not willing to try hard enough, or do anything about it at all really. Talk about a hypocrit...eek.

I am really tired. I actually had considered getting up to work at 8 tomorrow, but, it looks like I won't be going to bed in time for that. It's ok though.

I'm going home tomorrow. Home is good. I hope I can get Lauren to go to South Station with me. She's got shit to do though, so I doubt it. Oh well.

I miss my mommy. There are some things I want to talk to her about SO badly this vacation. But if I do so, I have to talk to my dad also. It's that that I'm not sure I'm ready for. We'll see how things go.