Being Home
Friday, Mar. 15, 2002 22:27

Okay, I am having an irritable day. And a certain person's frequent stupidity is intolerable tonight.

I went to Portland with Katie and Jen today. Eh. I was cranky, what can I say? It was cold, I didn't enjoy it. I don't like shopping. Katie was irritating me. I have NO idea why. I talked to Floyd at two separate points today and was NOT pleased with her at either occasion. I don't know, there was something stabbing about our interactions. Very disappointing, really. Not sure why, again.

I DID enjoy myself with Niki. That was very pleasant. I always enjoy hanging out with Niki. She rarely bothers me at all. She talks to me. She makes me feel good, I guess. And today, I would rather have hung out with and talked to Lauren than pretty much anyone else that I had the opportunity to talk to here at home. It's weird how things work out, I guess.

I did enjoy driving today though. Driving is fun. People underestimate it (along with private bathrooms, and real food).

I had a really big disappointment today. This is something that I could easily attribute my irritability to, except that it occurred after the brunt of my mood had been felt. (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I HATE PEOPLE THAT ARE THIS RIDICULOUSLY STUPID THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN CARRY ON A DECENT CONVERSATION. WHERE IS MY MACHETE WHEN I NEED IT?) I had emailed Maggie last night to ask if she was coming to Maine this weekend. She said no. Fair enough. A huge disappointment? yeah, actually. Considering the fact that it was promised to me that even if I couldn't make it to NMH for a visit in Feb, she'd be here in March anyway. Nope, not coming. The real issue? Floyd was excited this afternoon about Maggie. I guess she always is. But it's not like I get to witness it too much. I get nothing really. So, today was my first taste of the Maggie-induced excitement. And then Floyd told me that she's coming next Friday. I will be here next friday. I think Maggie is well aware of that. Did she mention it to me? nope.

There are explanations. And she's not obligated to inform me by any means. But FUCK that sucks. I feel like such an asshole. And like such a kid. Because I care so much. Because it matters to much to be. When it has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with any of this. And I don't get it. It was just a bad day. I think it's hormones. I'm going to go with that explanation.

I hate feeling like my feelings are irrational, yet not being able to do a single thing to help them, to ease them, to wash them away.

And then I drove by Linda's house tonight. And I slowed down, as I usually do, to see what I can see. Looking for a glimpse of her, maybe. I don't know. I don't know what I look for. I just look for her. And I look to her house. And I look at that familiar spot on the street. I have to get through this break. This is going to be hard. It'd hard. Because I have to consciously remind myself that these urges that I have to call her, or to walk over there are not realistic anymore. I have to consciously remind myself that when I did go down there, it was usually crappy, and I left feeling like shit anyway. I have to remind myself because, in my head, she is so much a part of my home that I can't separate the two. I don't know how. And I don't even want to. I want it to all be this happy place. Because there are all of these little happy places that I can always go back to and get lost in. And somewhere in between my stomach and my back it starts to hurt. And somewhere in between my nose and my eyes, it starts to get a little achey. And then my words come out angry and bitter.

...but those places are not the majority. Those places were amazing. Those places were my existence, and they opened up more of my world than I could have ever found on my own. But now they are gone. And now all that is left is this bitter unhappiness, these lies, these games, this boredome, this constant inability to be anything special to her, this constant reminder that I will never be good enough.

And then, I guess, the hope that I'll someday believe all of that with more than just my all too rational brain.