distorted image of me
Thursday, Mar. 21, 2002 15:40

I have a few things of varying emotional reaction to write about. I've been a little bored today, and last night too.

Yesterday, I watched movies, as I said. Then I spent some time bumming around and my mom had choir. And then I watched "Survivor" with my mom. I was very pleased that Sarah was voted out. I wanted her out a while ago. Although if I had my pick of anyone on the island, Rob would be the first person that I got rid of. What a cock! The evening...I guess I don't really remember too much. I wasn't as volatile as I have been in the past few nights. I was talking to Lauren, which was good. I think I'll be pretty happy to be back in Boston on Tuesday. And my conversation with Ryan was going pretty well. That's probably because I gave it a chance to.

I've really been pissing myself off lately. And today it all kind of hit me at once. I walked past my grades posted on the refrigerator, and it made me want to hurl. For someone that is so supposedly brilliant, I feel like SUCH an asshole. My dad has been driving me nuts for the past week. Everything has been getting to me. And that is getting to me. For someone of my intelligence (and I'm NOT trying to sounds conceited), you'd think that I'd be able to get myself together. I hate looking at myself and seeing this weak, irritable, emotional, immature mess. I just want to pour ice water over my head and say "Get a grip you fucking lunatic!" It seems to me that for someone of my competency, I should be able to pull myself together and act rationally, maturely and intelligently. It really really sickens me to look at the way I can act sometimes. And it's even worse when I think about the way other people see me. It seems that all of these people around me have all of these expectations for me. They are all so proud of me, they brag about me, they talk about what a great kid I am. And I'm like that about myself half the time. I enjoy the fact that people think I'm so great. I let it go to my head a bit too much at times. And then I have these horrible frustrating moments, and I can't deal with that. To me, these are not little imperfections that everyone has, these are major flaws in character that make me feel infinitely guilty about the place that I stand in the world.

Where does all this come from? Two places today: 1) Maggie did finally tell me that she's coming this weekend, and that she wants to spend time with me. She also mentioned how Rita talks about me, and a letter of recommendation that Rita wrote for me. They both seem to think that I'm better than I really am. And that kind of makes me feel bad. It is really important to me that I have them in my life. I love them both so very dearly. But I guess I'm also a little afraid that they will see what a mess I am and lose that respect. 2) I keep spazzing out at my dad. He's driving me up a wall with all of his questions. And I just can't deal with it. Why am I on such a short fuse? He's not doing anything wrong (well, he did yesterday, but we won't discuss that) really. Ack. Just when I'm on this whole quest for wisdom and a sense of myself, I come home and feel like a stupid kid again. I wish I was better at just sucking all of this up.

So I went for a walk. I actually had to return my mom's car to the bank, so I walked home and it turned into a lot of emotional seneezing. I came home and paced around the the upstairs before coming down here.

Well, at least I have something to do tonight. We're watching "The Laramie Project" in Floyd's room. (It's interesting how in different contexts I'm getting used to calling her Rita...but in others, it doesn't seem possible)

I don't know what I want to do now.

Just one more comment: "Pushing Tin" is a pretty bad movie, and there's not enough Angelina Jolie to really make it worth it at all.