Easter Weekend
Sunday, Mar. 31, 2002 16:18

--Friday--

I am staying in the basement until at least five. And I am kicking myself because I didn't bring my real journal here with me. The reason I'm staying here in my "room" is that Mark is giving a piano lesson. There isn't much playing going on, but every once in a while, someone (his student, I assume) starts playing "Changes." I don't know who wrote the song to begin with, but it's actually a little ironic...this morning, at brunch, Katie and I were discussing the song. And I found it to be rather sad that we both knew that Tupac covered it, but neither of us really have any clue who did the song originally. It's a great song. It has a sad feel to it "do-do-doo do-do-doo do-do-doo" <-- in that part. I really like it. I need to download that song. But it occurs to me now that I may like the piano solo version of the song slightly more than the song with words.

And now he's playing a different song anyway. Riddle me this: Why couldn't he have just played that whole song through? Growing up in a household where my mom was constantly playing the piano, practicing, learning, I have also grown a little frustrated with the whole thing. I just always wanted her to play the whole song through! Being a musician, I certainly understand the necessity of practicing through repetition. But Man, sometimes it can be so rewarding to hear the whole song, after hearing it in bits and pieces so many times. Similarly, it's like that to be the one rehearsing in an ensemble. There have been moments when I have just wanted to yell at the conductor for stopping us. Can't we just make some music? It's a hard thing to accept, really. And maybe I'm just too impatient.

I am so tired and energy-less. This is rather unfortunate because Betsey and Mark just took me to the beach. We went and checked out this GORGEOUS hotel in Ipswich, and then walked around on Crane beach (which Betsey can't seem to call Crane Beach, since she has said Crane's for so long). It is a beautiful place. It seems silly to take a trip down here in the summer just to see a beach, because this area of Mass isn't a whole lot different than many places in Maine. But it's a shame that I most likely won't be getting to that beach other than to walk around when it's cold. Who knows though? Maybe I'll be down here for some other reason and the beach will present itself to me in all of it's hot splendor. (I hear a sax solo now. They are listening to a recording) But the sand is this huge expansive beauty. It's so wide and open and surrounded by dunes. There were horses on the beach, not wild, but still. And the setting itself is pretty incredible. I love driving through those rich communities. It's so nice.

I'm constantly hungry! Ah! Make the desire for food stop. It's clear that I don't need to be eating. Eeek! What a change from the beginning of last quarter when I lost like 5-10 pounds because I was rarely eating. If only I was happy and not hungry at the same time.

It is almost five now. I should probably get my homework done so that I don't have to worry about it anymore. And I had thought about working on some scholarship application shit, but ya know...I just don't really feel like it. It's pms. It makes me like this. I just don't feel like doing anything. And I feel tired. And I have that horribl pressurized feeling somewhere near either my uterus or intestines. And I feel all this gassy bloatedness, like I have the "super shits" or something but it turns out to be just cramps half the time. Then there's the kidneys...they tend to hurt too. And all this so that someday I have reproduce if i so choose. Yay for me. I'm not sure what the chances of that really are.

That paragraph took 3 minutes to write.

--Saturday--

I finished reading from my Media and Culture book. Then I was going to read from my Research Methods book, but it was all fluff. Complete waste of time. I am not liking this book too much. It is cheap, small, paperback and yet $60. What? There's something wrong here. Then I wrote my paragraph about what truth is. Now I just need my Globe and I'll be good. Hmm. I assume that they won't forget about my globe. At least I hope not! I hate having to remind people of things, because I'm always afraid that they really do remember, and my reminder will be just nagging.

I have a craving for --you're never going to guess-- cake! jeesh. But at least this time it is a special form of cake, ski cake. My grandmother has always made it. It's good stuff. I can't really remember too specifically what it is like. But Betsey just said that that's the only kind of cake they ever had growing up. All this cake convo came from the fact that Betsey is looking through cake cookbooks and stuff. Tuesday is Garth's birthday, so she's going to make a cake for him. Mmm, I hope she does it while I am here, and that I get to eat some. I can imagine that Betsey's cakes are probably pretty good.

I want to see "Rent." I am listening to the music. And B. says that it was in Boston for quite a while. I wish that it had been here when I was here. *sigh*

My lips are dry. I am trying to become a little more independent from chapstick. I have had a constant coat of some kind of lip lubricant on my lips since I was in seventh grade. I've been addicted for 6 years. And I'm only 18, so that's pretty sad. I don't like being dependent on things. The concept of an addiction bothers me. It weakens me, making me feel like I can't function on my own. Like I can't be the strong person that I know I am if I'm constantly reaching for something else. I feel like I should be able to function independently, doing my own thing, not relying on any one particular thing to validate me.

So, it's looking like it's going to take some getting used to for me to be succesful this quarter. My classes are clearly a lot more work. I am going to need to find myself a lot of discipline in here somewhere, especially where reading assignments are concerned. Eek! I am bad about reading assignments. They are the easiest to put off. But I have to do them. This quarter they are necessary. Plus, I have to read the Globe everyday. Hopefully that won't be bad though. I think once I get into the groove of reading it, it'll be cool.

I have been speaking very abstractly about the summer lately. When I went to lunch with Maggie and Rita, M. asked about this summer. I told her that I'm going to be home, but she then pointed out how that isn't necessarily going to be the best situation for me, since just being home for a week and a half with my Dad was pretty rough. She asked what I planned to do "come to Bethel and visit me?" So, that made me think about how excellent that would truly be, to get a job in Bethel and be there for the summer. But I guess it isn't something I could realistically do. But honestly, how cool would that be? To be in Bethel when everyone came to camp, to hang out with M. and keep Grammie company. The only issues would be that I wouldn't have a car and my mom would miss me, and I'd miss her.

"And it don't matter and I don't care. I let my pain into the air. 'Cause everything is over there, and everything is hard to bear." -Rehab

I think I'm going to put the computer away and do some reading now. "Girl, Interrupted?" or "Valenica?" oh the choices! I like having choices. It's good. It's good good good.

But first, I had a weird dream last night. In the dream, I had lots of tattoos. They were all along my waistline and up and down my arms. Lots of little symbols, and most of them were very badly done. And I wouldn't show all of them to people because I was ashamed of the way my waistline looks. I think that sort of goes back to some thoughts I had yesterday about my self-image. I hate the way I look, yes, but I don't generally let it bother me. But lately I've been thinking about my body image in reference to sex. Maybe it's because sex has been a common topic of conversation lately with Lala and Kiki. But it's been kind of hard to imagine for me....allowing someone to see me. But then again, I suppose that I wouldn't be having sex with just anybody. And that if I wanted to have sex with them, I'd be comfortable with them. Right? I'm a little scarred by my past experiences. Up until now any sexual experiences I have had have been all about the other person. And it's not like I've fought it off. It's not like I have wanted it to be like that. But it hasn't been offered to me. Nobody wants to touch me, it seems. That's not a generalization I can make because my experiences have been severely limited. And that's one of the reasons that I needed to break away. I can't be putting myself in those situations and being made to feel ugly, undesirable, and useful only in one sense. I wish I could make myself blame her for that, but I can't blame her. I wouldn't want me either. I guess the trick is finding someone that does. And then maybe I'll get to have that sense of complete disbelief like Lala. I wouldn't mind that.

--Later--

I should be sleeping like a baby right now. It's only 1030, but I have to get up way early. I don't even know what time B. will wake me up. But the sunrise service starts at about 5:15, and it is in Salem. Yilch! And I am tired too. Kyle invited me to go to his friend's house tonight. I should have gone. They were just watching a movie. I decided not to go because I wanted to make sure I got to bed early enough. But Kyle is already back, so I guess that wouldn't really have been a problem at all. Oops.

I have had too much chocolate today. yuck! No more! I don't get why people like chocolate cake so much anyway. What's so great about it? But the brownies. Man, the brownies were good.

The sunrise service is on the ocean, at an easterly view. I wish sometimes that we lived on the west coast because it would be so nice to watch the sunset over the ocean. I've never seen the sun rise over the ocean. Tomorrow I will. I just think that sunset is easier to come by. I am always awake when the sun sets. I am rarely awake when it rises. Why is that? why is it not the other way around? How interesting. Maybe someday I will grow old and live on the ocean and get up every morning to read the paper on my porch just in time to watch the sunrise.

I worked on scholarship applications for a while today, and I enjoyed it, really. I think I like making myself sound good. That's what it is all about, accentuating that parts of me that each scholarship is looking for. And there were parts that I overdramatized, and parts that I pretended had more of an effect that they really did. But hey, I didn't make anything up. I just molded events and feelings together in a cause and effect relationship that might not really have existed.

"Let me know that you hear me. Let me know your touch. Let me know that you love me. Let that be enough." Good song by Switchfoot.

I didn't go outside today. How fucking sad! It was a beautiful day. I should have gone for a walk with M. and B. when they asked me to. Instead I sat on my ass, reading the Globe, reading Michelle Tea, Reading useless text book junk. And eating. Why do I eat so much? Stop that! (a note to myself)...and speaking of notes to myself, I need to finish, or restart, reading "Notes to Myself." I really liked that. And Last weekend Maggie asked me if I had read the books she gave me. Oopsies. I can't believe that was last weekend. It's weird how much my surroudings can change in a week. The life of a college kid, bouncing around from person to person, to whomever wants me. It is good to have so many homes though, just a little emotionally tiring.

heh heh, and yet, look at me, trying to establish a new home in Bethel. Maybe someday I'll find my place, my home, my dwelling on this crazy planet. And something tells me Boston is not going to be it. The kid in my journalism class from Texas was right. Boston is a cold place. The streets are hard, and the people don't help. At least in Maine you can go in and get warm by the fire. That's the difference in how I view the two places. It's like night and day. Cold and Warm.

"We got the afternoon. You got this room for two. One thing I'd love to do. Discover me discovering you. One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelin. One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue. 'Cause if you want love, we'll make it, swim in the deep sea of blankets. I'll tickle your big plains and break 'em. This is bound to be a while. Your body is a wonderland. Your body is a wonder I use my hands. Your body is a wonderland. There's somethin' 'bout the way the hair falls in your face. I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case. You tell me where to go and though I might leave to find it, I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it." -John Mayer

I like that.