Kiss me
Monday, Apr. 01, 2002 16:32

I'm not sure if I'm in the right frame of mind to write anymore. When I got up this morning, I had a lot to say. Last night, I had a lot to say. But I didn't really get the chance, so now, we'll see how much residual stuff is left.

I'm really lonely, and getting increasingly self conscious and completely down on myself.

I just want to be kissed.

I want anyone that has ever had an urge or the glimmer of a fantasy or even the passing thought of kissing me to kiss me. I don't want it to be necessarily be passionate. It doesn't have to signify anything. Or perhaps it could just signify gratitude, or appreciation, or a completely non-platonic love, or friendship. I'd settle for the smattering of people who have had crushes on me over the years, as few and far between as they have truly been, and as much as I have not wanted to kiss most of them. But I want to be kissed now. I need to feel like people want to kiss me. I feel disgusting, ugly, unwanted, on the fence in this in-between land of poo. And if others don't agree, then why not show me that? Why don't people tell each other these things more often? Why don't my friends just come up to me and kiss me on the lips? It wouldn't be cheating on their various significant others. It wouldn't mean that they were gay (or straight, for some of them). It would just mean that they care enough about me to get close. They care enough to let me know that I am not completely repulsive. They care care enough to know that all I need is for someone to kiss me, to offer that little bit of reassurance that, hey, I'm not so bad after all.

I hate fucking culture. Culture says no to all of this. Culture says that if you kiss your friends on the lips, there is something wrong. Culture says that Angelina Jolie can't show affection for her brother at an awards ceremony without being gossiped about. Culture says that I have to wait until this magical person comes along to gather just enough affection to validate me and make me feel like I am worth that magical person in the first place.

I need to be kissed.

Katie and Serena kiss me on the cheek a lot. But they are far away. And what does that communicate anyway? Okay, so, I'm going to show affection for you, but not all out. I'm just going to peck your cheek quickly so that a) you don't get the wrong idea and b) I don't have to deal with figuring out what that all meant. Linda's the only person that ever kissed me platonically. And for me, it was so much less than platonic. In fact, I don't really believe that it was platonic for her either, but that's not something I plan to explain in an online journal of any sort.

I need to be kissed.

So kiss me! Just go right ahead! Give me a hug and a kiss. I will probably be weird and awkward due to my complete shock. But I'll give you another shot at it. Or you know, just warn me first. If you are my friend, I will assume that the kiss is platonic, unless you say otherwise. So don't worry about me getting too attached.

What am I saying? Nobody is going to kiss me. Too many cultural rules. Or at least, that's the reason I am hoping is true.

I just want to believe that I am worth it, that I'm not repulsive, that it is going to be possible for me to end this loneliness. I just feel so worthless.