Linda, once and forever.
Tuesday, Apr. 09, 2002 20:33

I have become completely expressing crazed, if that makes sense. I've been saying random things about every few minutes on LJ. Pretty soon my friends are going to take me off of their lists because they are going to get sick of hearing about it. Because by "it," I mean absolutely nothing...just whatever comes into my head. It's like every time I take a breath I have the urge to tell the whole world about it.

So, when do you get to the point where you stop referring to people by their online identities and begin to call them by name? It's interesting how we get used to referring to someone in one way, and how we tend to no longer care who they really are. Or maybe that's not it at all. This is the kind of poo that comes out when I am trying to write and eat spaghettios at the same time.

I want for my roommate to leave so that I can be alone again, like before. I want to be alone today, very much. I'm over-irritable and over-sensitive, so it's good to be outside of the company of others in this case.

So, I've come to pretty good terms with the way things have unfolded with Linda in the past two days or so. Granted, as far as I know for sure, nothing has unfolded, or changed, or anything-ed. But I have made the interpretation that I'm the one that makes her flinch. And that I am the one that she wants to completely completely forget. And whether or not the assumption was true, it was a good one for me to make because it forced me to think about some things. And I've come out with a new perspective, or at least a clearer one.

I love Linda very very much. So much that I am going to miss her in a completely debilitating horrible way for a very long time. You can't just go from being in love with someone to being nothing. But that's what I chose to do. And I was feeling pretty angry, and hurt, and spiteful, so the way I chose to go about it was bad. I wanted to hurt her, so I just ditched her. And now, almost two months later, I had to ask myself this question: How could I have? But I was just angry. I didn't do what I should have done. I got hurt, and I got mean. And in the end, she most likely wants to forget that I ever existed, and I can't even blame her for that. I guess that's my punishment for handling things wrongly. But as far as the end result, it could only be one way. At least with Linda, it could only be one way. I am not going to pretend to know anything about the way she works or why, but after the years that we've known each other, it seems pretty clear to me that as friends, we couldn't have survived a blow-up. Linda gets too awkward, too hurt too easily. And that's not the only reason. There is also the simple fact...this sentence that I've repeated in my head directed towards her over and over....I can't be with you....but I can't not be with you. It would be too easy to be close to her if we were friends. And if I got close, it would be too easy to fall in love all over again....assuming I ever manage to fall out....and it would be too easy for me to let her keep destroying me. She made me, and then destroyed me. And it's all part of this amazing thing that was the most significant, important thing to ever happen to me. And it's so confusing! Because the destruction itself is so complex. People think Linda's just a bitch, that she's heartless, cold, manipulative. I've heard many of her friends say these things about her. But I feel like I got in closer than them. And I feel like I saw something there that will remain in my eyes for the rest of my life. She was my drug, my weakness, my addiction, my vice, my love. And the pure mixture of the way I handled it, and the way she handled it, and elements of her personality that make her not only the girl that I love but the girl that I hate, all come together and twist my entire body until I am a paralyzed mass on my bed, covered in salt water, crying out for her to come for me.

And yet, it would always have felt like that if i hadn't done what I did. I could have talked to her, and nothing would have changed. I would have given in to her, fallen under the trance of her beautiful red hair and green eyes. I would have realized that it would make me into an empty, lonely person to lose her, and I would have held on. So maybe it's good that I was a total bitch.

But I can not justify that. So, I hurt her to save my own feelings? No. I could have been strong. I could have stood up and explained all of this to her.

But then again...even now, I'm not sure she will or even can understand. It has taken me this long to straighten it all out in my own head.

I don't know if you read this anymore, Linda. In fact, it appears that you don't. But if you're out there, please know that I loved you in that dark room with the steamed-up windows playing floor hockey, I loved you when you hated me, I loved you when I argued with you mindlessly, I loved you last Memorial Day when I was just a comparison of your abilities, I loved you when you kissed me goodbye at 3 AM on September 15th, and I love you now.