Emotional Day
Monday, Apr. 15, 2002 17:08

My moods are too temporary.

Today:

Waking up feeling pretty energetic. Going to class, feeling good about that. Especially after last night. Maybe I should start with that. It was really nice out, gorgeous in fact. And after my weekend, I was pretty restless. I was beginning to really wish that I was home, since at home, if this feeling struck, it would be SO easy for me to just go do whatever I wanted, whatever that was at the exact moment that I wanted it. And when I'm here, I feel so repressed, like I can't do the things that would normally be a part of my life. I feel like the city and all its people suffocate me and take away all of my freedom to go for walks in the middle of the night or sit in the street with a friend (although it's not likely that I will ever do that again). I can't even go for a drive on some back roads, blaring music and singing along loudly. So, I just wanted to escape, and go for a walk or something, anything to get out of this place. So, I was complaining to Jeff, and he offered to go for a walk with me. It was a lot of fun. We even observed some gay sex in the fens (well, sort of...). I hugged fenway park. I found out where Jillian's, the Axis and the Avalon are. And I got to hang out with Jeff. It was really really good. When I got back, I talked to some people, and then went to bed feeling really really good, and wanting to make the people responsible for that feel good too.

This brings me to a major topic of thought for me today. I'm not sure whether it is that people don't express their appreciation for me, or whether it is that they really just don't have as much appreciation for me as I have for other people. And that kind of hurts. My first thought was to give myself the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps some people just don't express things as much as I like to. Maybe they don't really think about it, or realize that it might be a good idea to let me know what I mean to them. Maybe they think I already know. But then I started to think...wait...what if they just don't feel that way at all? What if what they are expressing is the extent to which they feel? What if it's just that I'm a big sucker that has a hell of a lot more attachment to anyone else than they have to me. I want to tell people how important they are. I want to make them feel good. But I'm genuine. And I think it's really important to be up front with people. And that is what I do. Is that what other people are doing? I guess I hope not. But there's nothing I can do. I just haven't been able to find people that I'm quite good enough for yet. There's always someone better, someone more attractive, someone more fun to hang around with. And I know that that has nothing to do with me. I'm me, and that's all I can be. I know all that. But right now it's really wearing on me and giving me massive self-esteem problems. I have never felt worse about myself than I have lately. I am not sure what to do about that either. I keep thinking that if people were better to me, if they told me that they care about me, if I were to meet someone who found me attractive, then it would change. But that's not cool...this is something I feel like I need to find on my own. But I don't know if that is really how it can work for me.

oookay. Anyway, so yes, last night was really good. This morning was decent. And THEN, this morning in work study, it just sort of hit me, this shitty awful feeling. I don't know...I was just reading people's diaries like I always do, and then BAM! It was like somebody knocked me onto the ground and said "Emily! Look at your life! Look at what these people have that you don't! Look at yourself in the mirror! Look at yourself in the eyes of your friends!" and I just sort of died....energy-wise.

But the story isn't over yet, thank goodness. So then I watched about a half hour of the redsox beating the yankees and then it was off to class. By the time I got to class, I was fine. I had a pretty good class. Then I went to talk to my scary spanish teacher's office hours to talk about my paper for that class. It went pretty well. I'm not sure why she scares me so much, but either way...THEN, I decided that the only way to beat this shit is not to let myself fall back into the patterns of someone that doesn't give a shit about herself, and doesn't think she's worth anything. I decided that I need to do things because I want to do them, and not simply because someone else asked me to, and I was afraid to decline for whatever reason. So, I took a little walk to the marathon, all by myself. And I was feeling really good! I had a couple messages on AIM, I talked to Noah (something that doesn't happen too often), it turned out to be a nice day after all, and the redsox beat the Yankees again. I figured I would go towards Kenmore to watch, because I heard that was a good spot, but when I got there, I decided I wanted to see where the finish was. So I kept walking to the end. I couldn't get very close to the finish line because of barracades and thousands of people, but it was still really good. I kept thinking about my brother and how cool it will be if he can run next year. I really hope he tries. Oh, that would be such a cool thing.

But somehow, on my walk home, I started to feel a little crappy again. Right now I'm ookay. But I'm pretty hungry, and I can't decide whether or not to just go eat by myself. Maybe I should wait a while. But I don't want to be pushy...so ...uff.

So, now I'm alone, and okay with it. Let's hope it stays that way for a little while.