Depressiveness (a bi-product of Psych today--the word, not the mood)
Thursday, Apr. 18, 2002 19:17

"I guess there's something wrong with me. I guess I don't fit in. No one wants to touch it, no one knows where to begin, I just want more than one membership to more than one club. I owe my life to the people that I love."

I mean this in a way other than the way I usually mean it. I mean it in a sad, not fitting in type of way. I mean it in the way that I've been given some kind of stigma that I don't deserve. And it's a stigma that I can't even identify.

Uff. To go from being hurt, to getting over it, to another little sting. I am pretty sick of this being a public diary too. That's not to say I want you to go away. It's just saying that there are things I can't say anymore.

But there is a huge up-side to this evening. Well, a couple, really. The first: I know where I'm living next year (West Village A South 342 for those of you who would find that information significant). The other good thing is that I found the songs from "Lost and Delirious." I loved the music, and after I watch the movie again, who knows? Maybe I'll love that too. It's also Survivor night.

The downsides: I have no idea who my roommate is going to be. And there's this just generally sad, teary feeling in me tonight. This came from a direction that I wouldn't have expected. And maybe that's why I accepted it so easily. It's like maybe there's something there that I'm not thinking about. Maybe all of this BS is really all my fault. Or maybe Jeff was right in his little psychoanalysis. But yes, it came from where I was least expecting it. It hit me in the gut, and I had no other choice. The only option was to feel like this. None of you will know what I'm talking about. Yeah. I know. I'm sorry about that.

So...I feel pretty sad. And this song doesn't help much even if it is amazing. I'd not turn it off.

Linda's starting to write her newsletter again. In fact, by now she's probably already sent an edition of it out. I wonder if she sent/will send it to me. I wouldn't think so. And I don't know if I'd really want her to or not. There are two sides of it. I guess in theory, I would definitely want her to. But not knowing what it was all about could be a little hard for me. So, I'll leave it up to her. But it's almost ridiculous. Why would she send it to me?

So, I just made a play list of songs to sort of add to my mood. My sadness. I almost cried a couple times earlier, but didn't. I wish I had. I hate it when I have to stop myself from crying and then later, I can't cry.

I miss some people quite a bit.

But in other news, I am sick as shit of AIM, ugh. And I have to package my scholarship apps. I hope I get my Floyd recommendation soon. Jeepers.