For you to hear
Friday, Apr. 19, 2002 23:47

"While I was in my brokedown state, Emily offered support from a far. This makes me feel good, like despite everything we still have some sort of connection. I don't like the way things ended between us, but it wasn't my choice, so I guess I'll work with what I have."

Of course we still have a connection. That's not what I was hoping to rid myself of. That's not something I would ever dream of wanting to rid myself of.

I'm not happy about the way things "ended" either. It was my choice. And I was too blind to see any other way around it. Nor did I care to at the time. I'm stuck now. There's no in between, there's no time reversal. And right now my emotional needs are so damaged and so confused that the only thing I can do is stick with what I know.

Yes, I admit, this is me, using my diary as a means of communicating with someone. And not only that, but it's someone that hates for me to use my diary as a means of communicating with them. Ah, so that makes this only mistake number 5 trillion or so.

I'm having a couple other issues too. They were nicely disguised by a nice little movie night with Robin. But they include issues of my non-existent self-esteem and the fact that I can't picture anyone in their right mind ever finding me attractive. And the fact that I didn't turn to the right person with that issue. Also my continual non-existence in the eyes of a few of my friends. Sometimes I wonder if people realize that I even have feelings.

And I cannot believe that it is only Friday. Fridays are looong days, that's for sure. And I WILL be in bed in the next 15 minutes.