Yesterday.....oops! :-(
Sunday, Apr. 21, 2002 09:49

I feel like I did some really stupid things yesterday. This whole mixture of insecurity issues, and tears and loneliness and 420. So, I started talking to Linda. And that's not necessarily a mistake. But I made myself pretty transparent. And I cried, big drops of tears that went straight down and made my shirt wet. And I became incoherent. I don't know, I may be wrong, but it seems to me that I don't get incoherent very often. It seems to me that I generally when I get upset or something, words tend to flow out because I need to get them out. But with yesterday, with Linda....I just couldn't make sense. I couldn't think of what to say or what to do. She floored me, as she always does. And nothing was accomplished.

I got really anxious yesterday, in the morning. (Maybe I already mentioned that here?) And it kind of stuck with me. I was a little upset that it was 420 and that that served as sufficient reason for our walk to Cambridge to be postponed (again), but not terribly. It's clearly something I don't agree with and something I'll never be able to understand, but in this case no definite plans were broken and there were other people involved. It's not like I was passed over for the sheer existence of drugs.

Um, then I got onto this whole self-esteem crisis. I made a complete ass of myself in trying to do what I thought would have a positive result. Although I don't know why I thought it would have a positive result because nobody in their fucking right mind would want to listen or be friends with someone that just bitches about how ugly they are all the time. It is rather....unsettling. I don't like it when I do something, then take a step back and can't stand to look at myself. You may wonder, isn't that what I'm doing now? Nope. I'm expressing remorse at some things I said to someone yesterday. And not only did I say them to someone, but it was someone that I don't know very well. I wonder how I must have come off. I wonder what she thought when I was telling her all of this neurotic bullshit.

So, I need to sqush this.

So, last night didn't go how I expected it to go, but it's cool. I had fun even though Blockbuster was all out of copies of "Mullholland Drive." Hmmph, especially since aforementioned person (last paragraph) told me it would remind me of her. It made me pretty curious, since she's sort of becoming more and more a part of my thoughts. (That's also why I feel like as ass.)

So...today: Maybe that walk to Cambridge, finally..."Serendipity" with Jeff (hopefully before Curtis comes back)...finishing up my Psych experiments...and, uh, who knows?

Waking up today:

FieryGwenivere: I love you

I should probably get myself cleaned and shit...