Star Wars, Hate, Memories
Saturday, May. 18, 2002 11:24

It is really frustrating to me when my friends aren't getting along. It puts stress on me somehow. I'm not sure if it's just that I take too much on myself in general, or whatever, but yeah, it's hard for me, somehow. I have no idea how to be there for both parties without getting in the middle, repeating anything, or adding my own opinions. I think it's a skill I will have to work on as I mature a bit.

Last night we went to see Star Wars. mmm good. Yes, I definitely enjoyed it. And it was soo different from the movies that I am used to seeing. There were a couple reeally cheesey love scenes, and everyone in the theater laughed. It was great. Normally, I go to movies where those scenes make up the whole movie, and in that case, nobody would laugh. It was refreshing. And, I heart Yoda.

I had a pretty good time with Beck. I guess I wish she hadn't been stoned, but she wasn't too bad. We still got to talk quite a bit. This is where the tough situation from above comes in. I wanted to make sure that she didn't get ignored, so I had made up my mind to be there for her, and to talk to her and stuff. And that wasn't a burden to me, because I do love Beck. I would have preferred it to be more of a group activity, where I interacted with everyone, but I had a feeling that Lala wasn't going to talk to Beck, because back when she was irritated with me, she pretended I wasn't there. I know how that felt. It was horrible. I don't think anything has ever hurt me that much, besides romantic stuff. It hurt because I didn't understand it, and it just made me feel like I wasn't worth talking to, like I wasn't really even there. I still don't really understand what happened, but I've definitely learned to stay away when it does. And, I didn't want it to be like that for Beck. Because pain is bad. I don't want my friends to hurt.

I think it is sad that the things we learn as we are growing up are things like how to stay away from people, how to not get attached, how to lie, how to manipulate, how to mistrust. We learn all about how sometimes we can never have the people that we want the most, and about how unfair everything can be. We learn that even the people we love the most will sometimes hurt us. We learn about war and oppression. And that is what then becomes growing up. This makes me infinitely sad sometimes.

In addition to those things, last night also evoked a lot of nostalgia. I was remembering seeing Episode 1 with Linda and Cathy. I was sitting on the end of a row with Linda to the left of me, and Cathy to the left of her. And it was a really weird time for us, if I remember correctly. It was a time when neither of us were being really forthcoming about how we felt. I was a huge huge wimp. So, things weren't too overt. We just had this very timid little intimacy thing going on. Anyway. I remember slowly inching my leg over so that it was against hers. And the touch sent sparks through me. I could feel it as if it were as stimulating as somebody's ice-cold hand on my back. I was tuned in, sensually, to any small part of her. And I remember wondering if she felt it too. I wondered if it was intentional to her that we had that little bit of physical connection. And I wished that Cathy wasn't there, because I would have liked to have that date with her. Although, I do wonder what difference it would have made.

There are about 500 million "what if?"s going through my head today. This happens once in a while. So, I guess, I guess, I don't know.

I hope Jeff gets up soon and says it's time to go to youth pride. But then again, on that note, I should probably make sure I'm ready when that does happen. Not as though he'll be up anytime soon anyway. Who knows?

I'm really really jealous today.