Neurosis
Monday, May. 20, 2002 23:02

Leave it to me to, at eleven, when I'm tired and feel like poo, update my diaryland diary, just after having update my livejournal and imood.

And doesn't it suck when you hear the little door open on your buddy list, and you think you know exactly who it is, and then you click on your buddy list, and are wrong? So disappointing. Where are you anyway @*&#$&#? I wanted it to be you that came online! (Note - the symbols do not stand for the actual number of letters in said person's name)

I am really mad at myself that I didn't start my spanish paper this weekend. Grr! Grr! Now I have one weekend in which to do it. One weekend in which to research it, write it and proofread it, without the help of my professor of course, because her last office hours before it is due are Tommorrow at 8 am. FUCK. I have to do an oral presentation too. That should be a fucking walk in the park. A presentation in SPANISH. And it's my final. Jeez. I've really fucked myself over here. And it's not even just that. It's about a million other things that I need to be doing for other people, and for myself. And I'm not doing them because I'm fucking hung up on....who knows what?

My nose hates me.

...but hey, look at that, it can just join the club!

I had a conversation with Linda the other day that I really feel like an asshole about. I'm ridiculous sometimes, truly ridiculous.

I'm sitting here TRYING to make Ryan mad at me, because I feel so fucking bad about the way I treat her, and I'd rather have her punish me for it than actually forgive her.

And I'm just getting more and more irritated while I'm sitting here.

Foof!

my lips are chapped, my nose is full of crusty mucus and dried blood, I sort of have to pee, but barely because I haven't had anything to drink today, really, I'm tired, but I don't want to go to bed, I'm hot and cold all at the same time, I'm disappointed, and I'm worn out, and I HATE it when I find myself being a stalker.

I'm just not having a good couple of days. It hasn't been bad as far as enjoyment goes. I've laughed, I've had fun, but man, I need a fucking break. Please remind me to spend as much time alone as possible next weekend.

So um, I'm sorry for being such a drag, for those of you who were looking forward to having something somewhat interesting to read.

And....lastly, am I just a bitch, or does everyone find faults with all of their friends? There's not a person in the WORLD that I can't find a fault with. But sometimes it just doesn't matter. Sometimes (most of the time, if you're friends), it isn't appropriate to ever bring up because it has no bearing on anything at all really.

Is that true?

And if it IS true, then why on EARTH does it bother me so much when my flaws are pointed out.

Same reason I am so pissed at myself right now. I can't handle not being perfect. And that, in itself, is ridiculous, because there is nothing about me that is perfect. And for me to think it every will be is a big fucking joke.

Lala said something today:

ME: "So, none of your friends are ugly?" HER: "no." *Jeff and Emily raise their hands* HER: "I didn't say none of my friends had low self-esteem."

But I guess when you have low self-esteem, it's pretty damn hard to tell the difference between the way you perceive the way you are and the way you really are. I never thought I had low self-esteem. I generally like myself. But I've realized lately, that yeah, I really kinda do. But it usually manifests in that I don't think I am worth anything, any attention, any praise, any forgiveness, any attraction.

Hmmph. And that makes me even madder about the way I've been lately. Grrrrrrr. What a vicious cycle.

Please, if you're still in the process of developing an opinion about me, disregard this overly neurotic entry.