Personal and emotional philosophizing
Thursday, May. 23, 2002 11:05

I'm having one of those I-take-everything-too-personally-causing-me-to-be-hurt-and-disappointed-no-matter-what-the-person's-intentions-were moments.

I went to bed last night feeling really jealous, and really hurt, sort of smacked around, sort of like the world was out to make me miserable, sort of like I will continue to be alone for the rest of my life (in a romantic sense). It wasn't a good feeling. It made me want to spout emotional garbage in my away message, the kind that I ridicule when I find it in the away messages of others. It made me want to run home to something that is really only an illusion that I've created to make it seem better.

I've elevated certain things to "a mythic emotional plateau" so that I can never ever be satisfied by them. I really just want to have something be ideal. I want the way I imagine the way something working out to be the way it really does work out. Either that, or I want to stop working everything out in my head. I want to stop kidding myself, to stop getting my hopes up about something that I KNOW may never be.

I want to stop being disappointed, being placed below everything else, being forgotten, being fucked over, being tired, fighting for something that nobody else seems to understand.

Every once in a while there is a little break in my confidence. That's what happened last night. I generally feel good about who I am, and about what I'm doing to figure that out. I feel good about the things I stand for, and the things that I truly believe in. But then, I try to explain it, and it comes out as some flighty bullshit. It comes out sounding like I'm living my life a certain way because of fear, because that's the only way I know how to explain anything. And then I wonder why I'm up here all alone, and why something that I am this passionate about, something that I've created to model the very essence of who I would like to become.

I'm sick of the black and the white. I'm sick of there always having to be a principle behind each thought I have. I'm sick of having to try to fit myself into a role, into a place that I will never belong. And I won't. I will like things because I like them. I will do things because I feel that they are the correct thing for ME to be doing. I will live my life. I will be Emily, and nothing else.

That is very very important to me. And I don't like feeling judged, feeling like people disgust me because of something that I happen to like.

And yet, I perpetuate that very concept. I do many things because I think that's what I should be doing, according to some standard other than the one in my heart. I withold information that I'm afraid people will disagree with. I don't tell people things that I think they will judge me for. Because I can't stand that. I don't like being under scrutiny. It is a pressure that I cannot withstand.

I'm young, and weak. I don't know anything, really. All of this philosophizing really only comes down to one thing in the end. I want to be free to do whatever it is that I need to do, to live, to be happy, to succeed, and to figure out who I am and what I am doing here.

I want you to love me.

I want you to respect me.

I want you to accept me.

And, as far as I am concerned, I wish I weren't some of the things that I am, but very few of them. I wish I wasn't so jealous. I wish I didn't take things so personally. I wish I wasn't so nervous and awkward. I wish I had unflappable self-confidence. I wish I had more motivation. I wish I understood more about myself, my world, and the two in combination. I wish I knew more about everything. I wish I was brave.

Most of the above are things I can change. So maybe they're not really wishes at all.

There are a few people that I really miss at this exact moment. But they are the people who are here with me anyway. There is nothing...nothing like unconditional, time-tested love from the people that want to know me, that pride themselves in knowing me, that love who I am, and nothing else, with no strings attached.

Thank you